From Zombos' Closet

Book Review: The Return Man by V.M. Zito

Behind Marco was a closed metal door, a window in the middle. The flashlight's reflection in the glass burned like a sun in a starless universe. A small placard read DINING CAR in dirty red letters; next to it sat a large rectangular button. PRESS. The door had been hydraulic--hit the button, the door slid open. Wouldn't work now.

"There'll be a release somewhere for emergencies," Marco said, scanning the jambs. "Like power failures. Or when resurrected corpses eat all the people on board."

 

Henry Marco is a zombie bounty hunter. He lives in the Evacuated States, the western half of the United States not governed by the New Republicans, but by the dead, who he tracks down, one by one, for breathing and grieving relatives living in the Safe States lying east of the Mississippi River. It's not clear who is comforted more when he finds his target, the relatives or Marco, although he's driven to keep doing it. He does get paid for it, but money's the last thing he really needs right now.

What drives him is his wife, presumed dead and walking in all those familiar places those whispers of memories make the dead return to. Only Danielle's body refuses to show up where expected, so he refuses to leave his Spanish Revival abode until he finds her. For a head doctor he's one head case himself, full of false ambivalence and suppressed death wishes, but he manages to do his job well enough. 

And there lies the crux of the matter in V. M. Zito's The Return Man. Marco's reputation gets around to Homeland Security. Benjamin, his partner drumming up business from back east, is paid a visit by them and they strongarm Marco into using his gift for finding sentimental stiffs to find one in particular, a Dr. Ballard, whose importance to them, and just about every other government outside the United States, makes  the doctor's body a hot commodity: with the infection contained to the U.S., Ballard's body may hold the antidote, or at least an inoculation, against the disease. With the threat of Benjamin's brains being splattered unless he cooperates, Marco has no choice.

Like much of the zombie fiction today, the military is involved, biological terror instigants are involved, and crazed people with nefarious plans are involved. Unlike much of the literature, Zito brings a zest for zombie-pickings, close calls, and character motivations through dialog, thoughts, and actions: there's Marco, a ghost of his former self, reluctantly caught in the middle of a covert tug of war; there's Wu, the Chinese sleeper agent, a killing machine as effective as any zombie; the Horesemen, a militia made up of very determined anarchists chasing after Marco and Ballard; and Osborne, who directs Homeland Security with a hidden agenda and sends Marco on his unmerry way to find Ballard.

Last seen in California, in a maximum security prison that's now filled with a few thousand zombies, Marco's got his work cut out for him. He and Wu team up, but zombies aren't the only ones wanting to take a bite out of Marco's back as their travel to California involves a dangerously stalled locomotive and unnecessary side stops along the way that can kill more than time. Eventually you begin to wonder who will get Marco first: the zombies? Wu? the Horesemen? or Marco himself? He has a habit of knowing better but not following through on it.

Zito packs each chapter with enough zombies and the living mayhem to make the 414 pages summer-breeze by, although there are times the flailing limbs, chomping teeth, and tactical disadvantages and missteps blur into impracticality; but his style keeps the suspenseful momentum going forward, just as determinedly as Marco and the secret assassin at his side. And those ubiquitous zombies.

Movie Review: The Three Stooges (2012) Return of the Screwballs

Zombos Says: Good

There's screwball comedy, there's slapstick, there's farce, and then there's The Three Stooges, who took the Depression's stark reality and slapped it silly until it cried  "Uncle!" Funny how times haven't changed much: with us a thumbnail length's distance from another Depression this time around, Moe, Larry, and Curly are back, bending reality into stark silliness and absurd mayhem once again. (Note to Roger Ebert: As any fan of the comedy trio will tell you, the key point to remember when watching The Three Stooges, in order to appreciate their low-brow antics, is this: there is no point; just go with it. Knowing this would have helped you find the humor.)

This time around it's Chris Diamantapoulos as Moe, Will Sasso as Curly, and Sean Hayes as Larry. The big question most Stooges fans will want to know the answer to is "Do these newbies have the vaudeville timing? Do they have that endearing rat-a-tat-tat delivery combining physical skirmishing with verbal insouciance down pat?

The anwer is a resounding well,somewhat.

The familiar routines are here but they lack the kinetic smoothness honed from performing the motions a thousand times, like the original Stooges had done on stage. That's not to say they don't work successfully, but there are times they don't seem natural to Moe, Larry, and Curly's beings: I wondered why Curly was doing that antic, or Moe was doing this antic in certain scenes that didn't really warrant that particular aberrant behavior. Hayes's Larry doesn't fully fit the original Larry's shoes, either. Larry Fine, the perennial receiver of Moe Howard's short end of the stick, was a master of passive-aggressive duplicity. Hayes takes a different approach, rendering Larry less passive-aggressive and more dull-witted. At least his Bozo-styled hairdo lends itself as a successful running gag throughout.

Another challenge the Farelley Brothers (not to be confused with the Fratellis of The Goonies) needed to overcome in bringing the Stooges back to the big screen was the short subject movie length Moe Howard, Larry Fine, and Curly Howard (and eventually the shamefully underrated Shemp Howard) normally paraded their antics in. Forget the full-length movies, those came later and were written for juveniles (I mean the real ones) and didn't have Curly or Shemp as foils to energize the slapstick--although Joe Besser and Curly Joe weren't too shabby in their own right.  Would all the eye-poking, face-slapping, and inappropriately handled construction hardware hold up past the half-hour mark?

The answer is why soitenly!

Creating a faux short subject approach, The Three Stooges hour and a half movie is broken into segments with titles, but the storyline's excessive cardboard sentimentality stifles throughout. For a moment I thought the Farelley Brothers had watched too many Little Rascals episodes and not enough Three Stooges shorts. (There are even two orphaned kids with Our Gang-sounding names, Peezer and Weezer.) Feelings never got in the way of The Three Stooges, unless they were the result of a badly aimed sledgehammer or a crowbar wedged up Curly's nose. Perhaps the biggest challenge of all was how to make the Stooges relevant again. Would making fun of rich people, beating up mean manly nuns (that would be Larry David as Sister Mary-Mengele), and watching babies peeing with deadly aim still be funny to watch?

The answer here is hell, yes!

In what is perhaps the closest realization of the essence of The Three Stooges's brand of carnage, a maternity ward's babies become surprisingly effective bio-weapons as the boys goes at each other. The timing is impeccable, the scene completely idiotic and hilarious because of its idiocy. Of course, using two hot irons as defibrollator paddles runs a close second. More could have been done, but there's enough physical comedy and wordplay here to initiate those unfamiliar with the Stooges's style of comedy.

The misstep in execution comes from the Farelleys resorting to retro-izing the Stooges world instead of forcing them to cope with the modern one. Using the hoary orphanage backstory, we see the Stooges as hastily abandoned orphans, watch as the nuns initial joy at finding the foundlings turns to fear as the boys grow into unsafe-to-be-around kids, and we're finally brought to present day when the orphanage must close due to their accident-prone behaviors forcing medical insurance coverage to be dropped and the orphanage to owe hundreds of thousands of dollars in payments.

Moe, Larry, and Curly embark on a journey to find the money. Having been sheltered in the orphanage all their lives, the outside world proves Facebook compared to their phone book approach. All those potentially sublime catastrophic encounters--an Apple Genius Bar or maybe even annoying sidewalk cell phone chatterers, are two that easily come to mind--aren't explored.  The Farelley's play it safer by using a standard, but simplified, murder plot and a surprisingly witty meta-stooge scenario with a notable reality television show. 

After kicking around in development for 10 years or so, The Three Stooges movie could probably have been written better. But if you go with the flow, you may be surprised and find yourself laughing without knowing why. And that's what The Three Stooges were all about.

Cardone Spookshow Ghostly Fun At Canal Park Playhouse

Zombos Says: Excellent

Cardone's magic and spookshow at the Canal Park Playhouse, playing every Tuesday until April 17th, is an intimate, weird, and funny romp for just about everyone (except very young kids), especially the last 10 minutes, when the lights die and the ghosts come alive.

Wiry, long-haired, with a moustache that will never reach adulthood, Cardone is a charge of energy as he flamboozles his audience with illusions and a cheeky, Coney Island Barker style of showmanship as he entertains with magic, a straitjacket escape, and blackout spooks that are quite creepy. With a warning to leave before being locked in with the ghosts, the audience stayed in their seats except for one young boy who first tried moving from the front row, then zipped up his coat hood to hide away in, then, not getting much sympathy from his parents, left the small theater to wait outside. 

But before those 10 minutes of pitch black filled with ghastly apparitions comes, done in all seriousness--or as much seriousness a 1950s spookshow would generate, of course--there's the intimidating guillotine, the television of the future, Elvis's sunglasses, razors to be swallowed, and a short intermission involving dirt from Dracula's Castle--no, not that one but the real Dracula's Castle--and assorted pass-around oddities to examine.

The straitjacket escape is done (magicians, take note) with a Posey regulation jacket, the proper size (yes, straitjackets have sizes) to fit Cardone snugly. This is the real one, ungimmicked, although being a slick magician, Cardone knows a trick or two on how to get out of it. The only quibble I have with his performance here is his explanation of the most commonly used gimmicked straitjackets. This is probably the one time in the show he's actually telling the truth. For the sake of amateur magicians everywhere, I hope no one believed him.

Some of you may remember the intimacy of Imam's Magic Cafe in Greenwich Village. That same intimacy of a live performance happening a few feet away from you is captured in the Canal Park Playhouse. And there are waffles! With real maple syrup. 

Perhaps the most bizarre and funniest moment is reached when Cardone uses the help of a spirit, caught in a plastic jar filled with greenbacks, to devine an audience member's selected card; then again, there's the appropriate song Cardone sings--rather well--while sticking his head in the guillotine.

That was also pretty unusual, for an already unusual show you shouldn't miss.

Bill Hinzman Remembered By Professor Kinema

He was the first of the Marauding Ghouls to be seen in the original Night of the Living Dead. While visiting the grave of their father, Johnny (Russel Streiner) taunts his sister (Judith O'Dea) by eerily saying, "They're coming to get you, Barbara." He then points to a figure rambling among gravestones in the distance. He then says, "Look, here comes one of them now!"

In true cinematic irony, this figure was indeed coming to get not only Barbara, but Johnny too. During the scuffle Johnny gets killed, their car gets wrecked, and Barbara ends up in the deserted farmhouse where the bulk of the story's action takes place.

The Ghoul (Bill Hinzman) is last seen, for now, lurking about the house. Later he, and the now ghoulified Johnny, turns up in one of the final shots of the film were the house is overrun.

Like many a mini-budgeted film (especially of the 1960s), several who worked on NotLD behind the camera also made an appearance in front of the camera. This I could definitely identify with since I had made brief appearances in many a low budget production I was involved with.

Throughout his career Bill Hinzman was essentially a cinematographer/photographer. He functioned as an assistant cameraman on NotLD. However, his small role as a ghoul (or zombie, as some sources indicate) in this truly bonified cult favorite was his first foray into filmmaking. He continued in the genre, being involved with films like Legion of the Night (1985), Majorettes (1986), Flesheater(1988), Santa Claws (1996), Evil Ambitions (1996), The Drunken Dead Guy (2005), and his final role, River of Darkness (2011).

Generally a fan-friendly great guy, he was always willing to talk of his involvement with NotLD. He was at a loss for words when asked how it had almost immediately fallen into Public Domain. He was very verbal about it's 1998 30th anniversary 'resurrection' video release, slightly re-edited with added footage. Naturally, his ghoul character was subsequently 'resurrected' (enuf of that pun), more developed, and occupying more of this NotLD Redux's running time. However, he was reluctant to explain how this particular walking corpse had noticeably aged at least 30 years.

When approached at conventions he would emphasize the fact that his best work was done behind the camera. During a brief on-camera interview for the Professor Kinema show he was quick to point this fact out. However, at later conventions he was usually in ghoul makeup with a ghoul statuette of him prominently displayed at his table, available for sale. Herein his true cult figure status was clearly defined.

A mystery he solved for me was the reason why his ghoul character wasn't acting consistently with the actions of subsequent ghoul characters. This character appeared to be more a deranged madman rather than a slow lumbering resuscitated corpse. His explanation was that this sequence was among the last to be shot and director Romero instructed him to act in this manner. The hero had to be killed, the car had to be incapacitated ("Johnny's got the keys"), the girl had to be pursued. The plot had to get underway

Bill Hinzman left this realm for real on February 5, 2012, from cancer. His death occured the same day as that of Josephine Streiner, a crew member who also played a zombie/ghoul in NotLD.

 

The Professor, Hinzman, <br>and Frankie at a Monster Bash

 

 

Bill Hinzman Bust

 

 

Comics Book Review: Ragemoor 1

Zombos Says: Very Good

While I now only read graphic novels and trade paperback compilations of comic books--usually, anyway --this first issue of Ragemoor drew my attention because of Richard Corben's involvement.

Any Eerie, Creepy, and Heavy Metal magazine reader knows the name well. That this issue is also printed in brooding black and white only heightened it's appeal for me. And with writer Jan Strnad (who also wrote for Warren Publishing), the mood is assuredly sinister, the tone Gothically charged, and the foreboding future hinting at ancient monstrosities biding their arcane time until the moment's ripe for terror.

This first issue introduces the blood-drenched history of the rambling edifice as Herbert futilely warns his Uncle and companion to not spend the night at Castle Ragemoor, whose walls are alive with malevolent purpose and mystery. Herbert blames his brother's madness--he wanders the halls naked, peeing on the walls--on the castle's evil influence. His uncle thinks it all poppycock, mostly because he's looking to inherit the place after having Herbert committed.

After being shown to their rooms by Herbert's lone servant, Bodrick, his uncle and companion learn how dangerous the castle can be as parts of it come alive with a vengeance.

Corben's art is vibrant and propels the story's menace. Strnad's words explain only a little, leaving much more to be revealed, and allow Corben to show the dread. With Ragemoor's grinding movement of stones in the dead of night producing new rooms and longer hallways, what else may happen to Herbert and his future guests  is uncertain, but certainly will be deliciously deadly.

Magazines: HorrorHound 34 Dark Shadows, Lee, Hammer DVDs

Zombos Says: Very Good

For Dark Shadows fans, HorrorHound issue 34 has two very interesting articles on the original soap opera series and its creator, Dan Curtis. There's also a bland, Extra-depth, interview with director Tim Burton that eschews any meaningful exploration of his motivations or intentions in reimagining the series into a Beetlejuice-styled quirky mix of humorous vampire Gothic. Burton even pretends to not know his movie's being referred to as comedy Gothic, and seems reticent to acknowledge how different his approach is to the original series. Unfortunately, the interviewer lets Burton's answer-pablum remain fluffy, which left me unsatisfied. 

Jessica Dwyer's mind-boggling retrospective on Dark Shadows not only covers the many rich--and confusing--storylines the show ran through during its 6 year run, but liberally illustrated throughout her article are the comic book covers, paperback covers, toys, bobble-heads, model kits, and other mechandise the show's popularity produced. She also gives a concise television and movie production history for Dan Curtis in her second article, The Man Who Built Collinwood, which is essential reading for younger fans who may not fully appreciate Curtis's influence on horror television and the vampire romance theme he solidified with Barnabus Collins.

In addition,  Christopher Lee (he plays the manager of the Collins fishing fleet in Burton's movie) is highlighted in a movie retrospective compiled by Aaron Christensen, which neatly bookends Nathan Hanneman's Hammer on DVD list. As Christensen's title alludes to, Lee's movie range contains "the good, the bad, and the Ughhhh, Lee." I won't admit its good or bad, but one of my favorites covered is Mario Bava's Hercules in the Haunted World. 

All in all, a very good issue to spend a few hours with.

Double Bill Pressbook: The Devil's Hand and Bloodlust

 

Double Bill Pressbook: Frankenstein and the Monster From Hell and Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter

I recall seeing Captain Kronos at the Famous Monsters Convention in the 1970s. Enjoyed it. And unlike other horror movies, I really miss this one not having  a sequel.

Double Bill Pressbook: I Dismember Mama and The Blood Splattered Bride

I can think of more movies the "Up-Chuck Cup" gimmick could be used with.

Movie Pressbook: The Incredible Two Headed Transplant (1971)

What I want to know is where do these monsters keep finding scantily dressed, bosomy, leggy women to carry around? And just once, I'd like to see a two-headed female carry around a scantily dressed, chesty man around.  

Movie Pressbook: When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (1970)

I'd love to add the caveman dictionary and the cavewomen standees to my collection. Wouldn't you? One thing that strikes me funny: cavewomen always look so glamorous in their furs; the guys, not so much. 

Graphic Book Review: The Black Forest

Zombos Says: Very Good

Hankering for an old-styled, light-hearted, comic book classic monster fest? Livingston, Tinnell, and Vokes may have one for you in The Black Forest graphic novel.

The story takes place in 1916 during the Great War, and the German army, through an especially evil scientist, is trying to find a way to revive dead soldiers (yes, zombies!). Holed up in the Black Forest in Graf Orlock’s castle no less, the especially evil mad scientist feverishly toils away using Dr. Frankenstein’s crib notes of life and death for his experiments, and the Monster to aid him.

Enter our valiant but foolhardy American hero, Jack (not sure why every valiant but foolhardy American hero is always named Jack or has a monosyllabic name), and Archibald Caldwell, magician and occultist, who, like real-life magician Jasper Maskelyne during World War Two, uses his special skills to assist British Intelligence in the war effort.

The black and white panels are reminiscent of Harvey Kurtzman's comical characters combined with a dash of Gene Colon's fluid and dynamic panels. This is another graphic novel that cries out for a magazine-sized format to fully appreciate the artwork. It needs a few more pages, too, especially the monster battle royale toward the end between the Frankenstein monster, the werewolves, and the vampire Graf Orlock.

There are Alan Moorish bits throughout, like Caldwell’s ability to regurgitate lock picks he has swallowed, a skill Houdini put to good use, and Caldwell’s dead wife is pickled upright under glass, in a panel very similar to the scene in The Black Cat, where Vitas Werdegast’s wife is preserved by his arch nemesis, Hjalmar Poelzig, the evil cult leader. Boy, these evil guys all think alike, don't they?

The adventure is written in a pulp-style and is fast and furious. I highly recommend it to anyone who likes a ripping good yarn with classic monsters, evil scientists, and heroines in need of rescue.