From Zombos' Closet

Universal Classic Monsters Join Halloween Horror Nights 2019

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UNIVERSAL CITY, Calif., ORLANDO, Fla. (April 29, 2019) – “Universal Monsters” will come to life in all-new terrifying Halloween Horror Nights mazes at Universal Studios Hollywood and Universal Orlando Resort, inspired by Universal’s original cinematic monsters and the movie studio that invented the horror films. The terrifying experiences on both coasts will wake some of the most frightening and legendary monsters in horror history and bring them face-to-face with guests at the nation's premier Halloween events.

On the heels of last year’s successful “Universal Monsters” experience, Universal Studios Hollywood will introduce an all-new horrifying maze, “Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man,” that delves deeper into the Universal Monsters’ lore. Loosely based on Universal’s 1943 horror movie of the same name, this reimagined tale for the 21st century takes guests on a terrifying journey that bears witness to a deadly confrontation between these two horror icons and the epic battle that rages between them.

Guests will follow in the footsteps of the Frankenstein Monster, lured by exotic music towards a nearby gypsy camp while desperately seeking sanctuary from a mob of angry villagers determined to destroy him. It is within the gypsy encampment that the Frankenstein Monster meets The Wolf Man and where the madness begins as guests are led along a path of destruction through the murky Moors, to a creepy cemetery and into the smoldering ruins of Castle Frankenstein and its icy cellars beneath.

Once again, GRAMMY® Award-winning musician, SLASH, long hailed as one of the best electric guitar-players of all time, will collaborate with Universal Studios Hollywood to compose an original score for the maze. Click here to witness the rise of the undead that begins this fall at Universal Studios Hollywood.

At Universal Orlando Resort, guests will be hunted by every single grisly monster from the anthology, including Dracula, The Wolf Man and Frankenstein, in the all-new experience, “Universal Monsters.” Each sinister environment will bleed from one to the next as guests press through the darkened realms of horrifying creatures.

Guests will face bloody terrors in Dracula’s castle and flee from what is behind the cryptic howls of the grim forest. They’ll run from the horrifying manmade monster within Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory, and fall prey to an ancient Egyptian curse as they are pursued by the evil Mummy. Guests will try to escape the mysterious Creature lurking in the Black Lagoon, or become victims of other horrors waiting in the shadows.

Click here to witness the terror that is coming to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Orlando Resort.

“Halloween Horror Nights” begins Friday, September 6 in Orlando and on Friday, September 13 in Hollywood. Additional details about the events will be revealed soon. A limited time ticket offer and vacation package for Universal Orlando’s Halloween Horror Nights are on sale now.

For more information about “Halloween Horror Nights” at Universal Studios Hollywood and Universal Orlando Resort, visit www.HalloweenHorrorNights.com.

Updates on “Halloween Horror Nights” at Universal Studios Hollywood are available online at Hollywood.HalloweenHorrorNights.com and on Facebook at: “Halloween Horror Nights – Hollywood,” Instagram at @HorrorNights and Twitter at @HorrorNights as Creative Director John Murdy reveals a running chronicle of exclusive information. Watch videos on Halloween Horror Nights YouTube and join the conversation using #UniversalHHN.

My Haunted Halloween 13th Gate

Five questions whispered to mayhem-keeper Dwayne  Sanburn, in a haunted place where there be monsters (and ghostly things), on a crisp Autumn night, in-between the screams of horror and delight...near the 13th Gate...

Why is a Haunted Halloween important?

I guess you could say Halloween is in my blood. I got bit by the Halloween bug at a very early age, when life was a bit safer. At a time when you could go trick or treating in the dark and take candy from strangers. You would get a sack full of popcorn balls, candy corn, homemade brownies, and enough sweets to give you a stomachache for a week.

I remember watching scary movies at midnight and being scared out of my mind, but laughing all the while (well, at least until it was time to go to bed). Once I wore a towel around my neck each night for a week after watching Dracula. I was convinced it would keep me from getting bit while I slept.

I remember making cut outs of witches and bats and decorating the house, carving jack o lanterns, and telling scary stories in a tent in the backyard or under the sheets with a flashlight.

I always looked forward to this time of year, back when Halloween was innocent fun and the real horrors of the present weren't even conceivable.

Now the world has changed and everything is regulated for our safety. Trick or Treating is done at the Mall between the hours of 5 & 7. Candy must be store bought, in a sealed wrapper and is examined and x-rayed before being rationed out. Some communities have even banned Halloween activities all together and many schools have decided to have a "Fall Festival" in the place of anything Halloween related.

I’m not sure that most kids would understand or appreciate the Holiday I knew at all if it wasn’t for the fact that Haunted Attractions compensate for what is now missing by bringing back some of the mystery of Halloween.

I have this great love for the Holiday that makes me fight to keep it alive the way I remember it. There is a certain time of year, right around the end of September, that the weather changes here in Louisiana. You can hear and smell Halloween coming and it always reminds me of my childhood fascination that somehow decided to turn itself into my adulthood obsession.

Several years ago, one busy night at the haunted house, a small girl came up to me and asked, “Did you start this”. I said yes, not knowing what was coming next. With complete sincerity she stared at me and said, “Well, thank God for you” and walked off. That meant more to me than all the money I could ever make. She loved Halloween as much as me and understood exactly what I was doing.

I suppose I am preserving the past, like a caretaker of an historic building. Most walk though and enjoy what it holds even if they don't understand the motivation behind it, but every once in a while, someone comes along and appreciates the history and all the dedication and hard work it takes to preserve it.

What elements make an ideal Haunt Attraction for you?

The most important element is, of course, fear. People pay us to scare them (and we do our job very well, thank you). A lot of haunts approach scaring people a lot of different ways. For us, we like to create realistic environments, so set design is extremely important. After that, strong actors in good makeup and costume. Then we wrap everything up neatly in a terrifying storyline.

Our main objective, like a good movie, is suspension of disbelief. If we can make you forget that you are safe in a haunted attraction surrounded by actors and have you start thinking instead that you are in a real asylum, or real graveyard, or real slaughterhouse, then you probably won't feel so safe when the crazy maniac with the chainsaw bursts through the barn door in front of you.

What's the most unexpected moment you've seen during a Haunt Attraction?

To enter our haunt, you must first get on our Elevator (the Helevator), an old service elevator that has a nice simulated malfunction and subsequent 13 story drop to it (we like to weed out the chickens right in the beginning).

One night I got on the Helevator with a large group and it was a bit crowded. It's during these times that I always enjoy mentioning that I am sure we are over capacity for such an old elevator. A young teenage girl was immediately freaking out and said quite enthusiastically that she was claustrophobic and she wanted off and out "NOW"! A string of expletives followed and I was half inclined to grant her wish but it was already too late, since the elevator button had been pushed and the doors had already closed. For the brief ride on the elevator, the lights went out and the girl, who was still screaming her head off, went curiously quiet.

When the lights came back on a moment later, I found her passed out on the floor (oops).

I called for staff and we carried her to the exit where we had a small air conditioned room with water, a couch, and more importantly, my ammonia inhalant vials (ok,  so this wasn't the first time someone had passed out in the haunt). I quickly broke one and waved it under her nose.

The girl instantly opened her eyes, looked straight at me in horror and passed smooth out again!

Surprised, I waved the ammonia vial under her nose again and again she instantly opened her eyes, looked straight at me in horror and passed out again!!!

After the forth or fifth time of repeating this behavior, I gave up and called EMS. After they arrived a few minutes later, they broke another ammonia inhalant and, just as I did, waved it under the girls nose and she awoke instantly. This time she stayed awake and shortly thereafter walked out of the haunt on her own (to the nearest therapist, I'm sure).

It wasn't until later on that evening that I remembered that I was wearing my black theatrical contacts. I guess the girl probably thought she was staring at the devil each time she came to.

Describe your first Haunt Attraction experience and why it scarred you for life (in a good way)?

Jaycees, 1977 or so. It was in an old fire station. I had to crawl through an old refrigerator box, put my hand in a box of worms and eyeballs (spaghetti and grapes), there was a guy in a coffin, spiderwebs (string) hanging from the ceiling, the wolfman, and an old woman in a rocking chair that terrified me. It's all quite stereotypical and cheesy now but back then I was scared to death. It seemed like I walked for a mile and it would never end.

I drive by that old fire station occasionally (it's a museum now) and wonder how they packed such a big haunt in such a tiny building.

What's the one Haunted Halloween question you want to be asked and what's your answer?

Question: You are a member of America Haunts, tell us what that is?

Answer: America Haunts is a group of some of the most successful and well known Halloween Haunted Houses in the World. These Halloween Attractions are long standing events famous regionally and nationally for running safe, fun, and extremely scary shows sure to terrify the most jaded horror or haunted house fan!

The group of Haunted Attractions in America Haunts has been extensively honored by their peers and media outlets everywhere. Most of these events at one time or another have been on Hauntworld's Top 13 Haunted Attractions list (a major haunt industry publication) and have also been featured in AOL's yearly Top Haunts list. They have been covered by many TV shows including The Travel Channel, CNN, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, The Wall Street Journal, and USA Today.

Check out 13thgate.com for more info on us or AmericaHaunts.com to find a top notch haunt near you!

My Haunted Halloween: Kersey Valley Spookywoods

Five questions whispered, in a haunted place where there be monsters (and really creepy clowns), on a crisp Autumn night, in-between the screams of horror and delight...to mayhem-keeper Tony Wohlgemuth of Kersey Valley Spookywoods...

Why is a Haunted Halloween important?

A Haunted Halloween is a tradition. It builds memories with friends and family that are impactful and lasting.  A haunted attraction is the ideal location to explore and face your fears in a safe and entertaining environment. There’s also the element of fun! We believe there is no better way to experience the thrill and excitement of the Halloween season than at an incredible haunted attraction.

What elements make an ideal Haunt Attraction for you?

A superior haunted attraction must create a safe environment, with splendid attention to detail, passionate actors and the masterful art of distraction. Creating the atmospheres and characters people fear the most is another key element at the most successful haunts.

What's the most unexpected moment you've seen during a Haunt Attraction?

A van creeps down the road toward the parking lot, full of anxious, nervous and excited people. As the parking attendant exchanges the parking fee for the pass, a shadow comes over the hood. One of the characters lurking in our dark woods startled the contents of the van so badly everyone abandoned the vehicle and took off running. At our place, scares don’t wait at the front door…they come to you!

Describe your first Haunt Attraction experience and why it scarred you for life (in a good way).

It all started with a dare between friends in 1985 to go into an abandoned farm house. Getting a good scare from a family of bats perpetuated the decision to create a haunted attraction. That attraction today is Kersey Valley Spookywoods, one of the largest haunts in the country, and we call it home.

What's the one Haunted Halloween question you want to be asked and what's your answer?

Q: When will it ever end?

A: Never! Even after I’m gone, I’ll be back!

My Haunted Halloween: Randy Bates of Bates Motel & PennHurst Asylum

Five questions whispered, in a haunted place where there be monsters, on a crisp Autumn night, in-between the screams of horror and delight...to mayhem-keeper Randy Bates of The Bates Motel and Haunted Hayride, and Pennhurst Asylum Haunt Attractions...

Why is a Haunted Halloween important?

Halloween has become one of the most celebrated holidays of the year, and this is important as the Halloween season lasts the whole month of October. With the advent of high tech horror movies and their amazing special effects, Haunted Attractions strive to create an atmosphere of realism that will rival these Hollywood films. More people than ever are going to Haunted Attractions, hayrides, corn mazes and pumpkin patches. This is important because it tends to bring families together. I have had many parents tell me that attending our attraction is the only time their children (and teenagers) enjoy going out as a family. They say it brings them together.

I operate two Major Haunted Attractions, The Bates Motel and Haunted Hayride, located outside Philadelphia, PA, and Pennhurst Asylum, in Spring City, PA. Both are highly detailed and themed, and have acombination of high tech animatronics, digital sound and light systems, and professional actors. Both attractions are members of America Haunts, the national coalition of America’s best haunted attractions.

The Bates motel features a 25 minute long Haunted Hayride through the dark forest at Arasapha Farm, filled with amazing sets, 80 actors and huge pyrotechnics. The Haunted trail is a 20 minute walk through the tall corn with tons of actors, detailed sets and buildings, custom soundtracks and more scares than you can imagine. The infamous Bates Motel is a high action Haunted House that has incredible detail, custom sound and lighting, and some of the best actors in the business.

Pennhurst Asylum consists of 4 attractions. The Asylum is a hospital themed walk-through of the first and second floors of the old administration building. With 14 foot tall ceilings and beautiful architecture, this haunt shows off the building that was built at the turn of the last century. The Dungeon of Lost Souls is a medical experiment laboratory gone horribly wrong. Using items found on the abandoned Pennhurst property, this attraction is dark and intense. The Tunnel Terror haunt is located in the subterranean tunnels of the Pennhurst complex: a 900 foot walk-through of the darkest history at Pennhurst. Our Ghost Hunt attraction is a self-guided tour of the Mayflower dormitory, reportedly the most haunted building on the premises, and featured on Ghost Hunters and Ghost Adventures. Pennhurst Asylum is like no other haunt in the country.

What elements make an ideal Haunt Attraction for you?

I like a Haunted Attraction that immerses you in their show. When you walk into a Haunted House, or enter a Haunted Hayride, you should be lost in the realism; it should make you feel that you are in another world.

Personally, I prefer highly detailed sets, and unexpected scares. When an actor or prop pops out at the least expected location, that makes me smile. If you have a lot of detail, it should be well lit and defined. If there is little, detail, it should be dark. I really like the fine detail, and in my attractions have many hidden nuances that most people don’t pick up on, but we as the owners, place a lot of subtle jokes here and there. Our exploding gas station has a real gas station sign with prices for regular, improved and premium. Our price for premium is $6.66! It’s the little things that keep customers coming back every year.

What's the most unexpected moment you've seen during a Haunt Attraction?

In 2010 we had a customer stagger out of the Bates Motel and collapse on the ground, holding his chest. Our EMT was right there and believed the customer was having a seizure and told me to call for an ambulance. After a few minutes, the customer sat up and took a couple of deep breaths. When asked if he was feeling OK, the man responded that he had a defibrillator implant and that it had fired going thru the last room of the Haunted House. I asked him why he would go through a haunted attraction with a heart condition and he told us that he goes to them all the time, but just never got that scared before. Despite his objections, we sent him to the hospital anyway. One of the great things about being a member of America Haunts is that we have a vast amount of industry knowledge and are able to share this with all of our members. One of them is customer service and we all are able to benefit from the group experiences.

Describe your first Haunt Attraction experience and why it scarred you for life (in a good way)?

We had run our Haunted Hayride for several years before going to a small haunted house in Salem, Massachusetts. My wife and I knew a bit about running an attraction and decided to go to Dracula’s Castle. The haunt was very small: only three rooms and a couple of actors. When we came out, we were a bit disappointed and decided to sit on a bench to view other customer’s reactions. Surprisingly, most came out laughing and talking about the show. They really had a good time. We looked at each other and right there decided to build the Bates Motel haunted house, knowing that it would be a hit.

What's the one Haunted Halloween question you want to be asked and what's your answer:

Why do you run a Haunted Attraction?

Answer: Despite the stress of operating two large attractions, the gratification outweighs the downside. When the weather cooperates, the business does very well, and affords me the time to spend with family and friends in the off season. Running a haunt also means watching our customers enjoy our show. We provide the adrenalin rush of being scared, and there is nothing better than watching a group of people running out of the Bates Motel screaming at the top of their lungs.

When I go through our Haunted Hayride, I love to find a central location where I can hear the screams from each scene and know the customers are having fun. Our Hayride uses 12 tractor pulled hay wagons and at any given time, 8 – 10 of them are in the woods, so you can hear the screams all around you. The other benefits of running our attraction is being able to work with my grown children, family and friends. Our staff is like an extended family of 240 people who all get a kick out of giving our guests the best show possible.

I could not imagine working anywhere else!

Dr. Morbid's Haunted House and House of Frankenstein In Lake George, NY

I spent Father's Day in Lake George, New York, visiting some old haunts. Not one for the boating pleasures of the Lake, I always have a memorably morbid time every visit paid to House of Frankenstein's Wax Museum. With wife and son (sadly, they aren't horror fans) cowering behind me, we made our way through the dark, narrow passageways. I laughed, they cringed, at the tormented waxwork figures depicting scenes of gruesome cruelty, blood-letting, and monster mayhem. It never gets old for me, even though I've visited House of Frankenstein since way back in the 1970s, when it first opened. The hanging body-bag room really freaked them out, but we eventually made it through with limbs and composure intact.

When they went back to the hotel to splash in the indoor pool, I visited Dr. Morbid's Haunted House for the first time. Same owners as House of Frankenstein, I think, but Dr. Morbid's is a haunt attraction with live performers creeping about. The theme is a haunted waxworks factory, a demented owner, questionable business practices, and some disgruntled--and dismembered--former employees. My ghoulish host was insane, screechy, and acted appropos to the creepy proceedings as she led the way through the scary environs. I was the only visitor for this tour; I hate going it alone, but hell, I'm a horror blogger, damnit, it's my job to be scared! Seasoned pro that I am (and in horror, 'seasoned pro' can take on some interesting meanings), I jumped a few times and slowed cautiously before turning dark corners. Loved it. 

Heading back to the hotel, I couldn't believe my horror fan luck. Next to the indoor pool stood an Addams Family Pinball game! Man, every Father's Day should be this much fun.

Haunt Attraction: Nightmare: Superstitions in New York City

Zombos Says: Excellent (and don't go alone)

Now celebrating its seventh year, NIGHTMARE is a unique, fully immersive haunted house experience. Set in an insane asylum, NIGHTMARE: SUPERSTITIONS forces you to break a superstition in one room and suffer the terrible consequences in the next. AOL Cityguide’s No. 1 rated haunted attraction in New York City, it delves deep into the psychology of fear. Now featuring a second attraction, FUN HOUSE.

I'll second the "fully immersive" aspect of Nightmare: Superstitions' haunted attraction in New York City, but what is it with haunt attraction's fondness for huge, leather-aproned guys drenched in blood, holding meat cleavers and cuddling their kill in a meat-locker room filled with icky meaty things? Of course he singled me out--the short guy cowering in the corner--to kiss his pet rabbit carcass, the one drenched in icky red stuff saturating its fur. I tried blowing a love kiss, but no, that wasn't good enough. I had to actually kiss the damned thing. Gross barely describes the experience, and immersive just doesn't quite do it justice. Had I a bar of soap right then and there I'd be bubbling up a foamy cleanse to rinse that disgusting kiss from my lips. I thought getting in on a press ticket would have spared me the ignominy. Fat chance.

I can't really spill the beans about the chills and potential bodily spills--yours--that you'll encounter in Nightmare: Supersitions, but the actors, those poor lost souls doing their best to creep you big time throughout the various rooms of the Funhouse and the Asylum, are more than good at their tasks of involving you, uncomfortably, through your growing uncertainty and fear as you stumble warily through the dark and across each tableau. Along your journey you will meet Bloody Mary, become disoriented from strobing lights and unexpected movements, be irritated by incessant screams and jabberings from the damned (or the group ahead of you),  and blinded by utter darkness. The makeup effects are nauseatingly realistic and enhance the bedevilment.

I've become a bit jaded being a horror and haunt maven, but there is one effect this year I almost avoided by using the emergency exit (there are immediate exits in each room, just in case you're squemish).  It involves plunging yourself into the unknown, into pitch blackness, into something that completely envelopes you. The sensations I experienced in this stifling situation ranged from claustrophobic to really frightening.

I loved it.

Read my  experience with Nightmare: Face Your Fear.

 

Interview: Spooking in a Haunt Attraction

While chatting with Max, the Drunken Severed Head on the phone (he uses voice dial and a headset, of course), I was surprised to find out he worked as a spooker in a haunted house attraction. This was back in the days when he had a body. Naturally, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to learn all about it.

Which haunted attractions did you spook in, and when?

In the St. Louis attraction "Dr. Zurheide's Asylum", (built inside a very old, former brewery), I was the title character for the first season, and part of the second season. (I think this was in 1995 and 1996; I'd have to unearth my performing resume to be sure, and that might take a good bit of time.

Also in '96 I was a variety of characters for another attraction, whose name escapes me,which was set up outdoors as a maze. Of course, this was all before the circumstances that left me a drunken severed head.

How did you come be involved with it?

Dr. Zurheide's Asylum had an ad I responded to, I think. And as I had previously played a mad scientist in a locally staged horror movie spoof, "Monster House Party", I had pictures that convinced them to use me. ("Zurheide" was the name of one of the owners of the attraction.)

As for the outdoor attraction, I went to them and applied. I had not been happy with the working conditions at Zurheide's.

What were the working conditions like?

They are typical conditions in many attractions: stuffy and smoky from the "fog" pumped in from time to time, breaks were too rare, the sound was loud, and the hours were long. The owners themselves were nice people, but had never opened their own place before and didn't expect how rough it was gonna be.

What part did you play in scaring the paying customers?

Well, as Dr. Zurheide I was a scientist in a large operating theatre, where I had fake corpses to "experiment" on (with scalpels, hypodermics and other such props), and lots of fake body parts. I spend much of my time cackling, muttering, cursing (without profanity), and pretending to do all kinds of nasty stuff to the stiffs and the various amputated parts, including pretending to eat them.

In the outdoor attraction, I played different masked monsters, but the most vivid memory was one night wearing an "Alien" costume. That's right; 5'6" me was in full rubber Alien drag (a professional, beautiful costume), and playing an 8 foot tall character! I think I was frightening in the dark outdoors, but perhaps I was scary only to the very shortest customers! I do remember that I had to wear a vest ringed with ice-packs because the costume was so hot, especially with that large wienie-shaped headpiece that I had to wear. The costume was something assigned to as many actors as possible, because wearing it was such a chore. It had overlapping pieces, which is the reason it could fit people of different sizes.

I've spent all my life daydreaming such stuff! Watched monster movies ever since I was a child. My mother was a horror movie fan. And in "Monster House Party" I had been "Dr. Stein", a Karloff-inspired, wild-eyed nut-job that came in handy when playing another wild-eyed nut-job at the Asylum. I'd also done improvisational comedy with a few different troupes, and improvisational murder mysteries.

What wacky stuff happened to you?

You had to watch out for people who wanted to grab you. Teenage boys and drunks of all ages liked to try it. In the Asylum, most "scenes" had bars between the actor and the customers, so it was much easier to prevent that. No one ever bothered the masked actors who wielded chainsaws. Of course, the saws have no chains on them, so they can't cut anyone, but you can't tell that in a dark attraction, and I think many people were genuinely afraid of being accidentally hacked to bits if they got too close. In the Asylum attraction I did have women surprise me by flashing me their breasts! So, despite the low pay, the job had some benefits!

What other interesting tidbits about your experience can you tell us?

Good weather was important. Rain would drive down the number of customers a great deal, even for indoor attractions. I also remember that at the Asylum the music played over the speakers actually creeped me out. They played the title music, from the film THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL. It's very spooky. Even though I heard it over and over, it gave me goosebumps every night.

Would you do it again?

In a heart beat! A very loud, maddening heart beat...

Face Your Fear: Nightmare Ghost Stories In New York City

"You're kidding," said Mr. Chin, shaking his head in astonishment.

"No. Really. He screams like a young girl going through a bad frat initiation," I said.

"Wow, I never imagined..."

"Now what?" There was a commotion in back of us. We were standing in line, waiting to get into The Maze, a new addition to Psycho Clan's Nightmare: Ghost Stories, New York City's favorite haunted house attraction.

"Hey, looks like Lawn decked the ghost," said Mr. Chin, chuckling.

A guy wearing a white sheet had been keeping things lively by sneaking up on people waiting in line to give them a quick fright. He was now on the floor, balled-up in a fetal position and moaning horribly, although this time I don't think he was acting. Lawn Gisland, former movie cowboy and rodeo star, had slugged him hard.

"Lordy, sorry, so sorry, buddy," said Lawn, leaning over the prostrate ghost. You oughtn't have snuck up on me like that. It was pure instinct is all." The ghost moaned louder, tightly clutching his white sheet as he rocked back and forth. Two guys wearing wireless headsets came running over and carried him away. They gave Lawn dirty looks.

Going through the new Nightmare: Ghost Stories haunted attraction, Face Your Fear, can be quite a test for your nerves, as Mr. Chin, Lawn, myself and Zombos soon found out. 

Mr. Chin insisted on doing The Maze first, but the many screams emanating from it didn't endear me to that idea. Groping around in the dark without Riddick's eyesight, through claustrophobic, tortuous passages filled with disoriented people desperately searching for the exit, and spookers hiding around every corner waiting to scare you is--oddly--not much fun for me.

I let the eager Mr. Chin go first, then pushed Zombos ahead of me. He scowled, but I'm only his valet, not his bloody bodyguard. Lawn followed Zombos. I took a deep breadth and plunged into the pitch blackness of terror. Within the first two minutes I realized my strategy of always following the right-side wall, and always turning right at corners, wasn't working well.

"Mr. Chin?" I called out.

"Over here," he said.

I groped in the direction of his voice. "Where's Zombos and Lawn?"

Someone ahead of us screamed like a young girl during a fraternity hazing.

"Hey, you weren't kidding," said Mr. Chin. "Let's not go that way." We turned left instead, right into a dead end.

There were many dead ends, and spookers patiently crouching in them, eagerly taking advantage of our poor sense of direction. Jean-Paul Sartre must have been referring to his experience in a maze when he wrote "hell is other people," though he probably meant to say "hell is being stuck in a maze that is so dark you can't see your freakin' hand in front of your face, and having lots of screaming, frightened people stuck in there with you bumping into one another." After what seemed like an eternity, a light flashed in front of us.

"Look," said Mr. Chin. Ahead of us, a brawny, long-haired guy quietly pointed to the exit. Dressed in a bloody apron, and bearing a remarkable resemblance to Leatherface, we were reluctant to take him up on his offer. He was pretty insistent, however, so I pushed Mr. Chin ahead of me and we ran past him. Freedom never tasted so good. We braced ourselves for the main attraction, Face Your Fear.

Lawn and Zombos were already waiting on the line to get in, under the flickering chandelier covered in cobwebs. Lawn was smiling from ear to ear, and Zombos looked as white as the sheet that poor ghost had worn. They were reading the Assumption of Risk disclaimer tacked to the wall. A really really large poster with very very small print.

"I reckon that 'physical injury from frightening performers, or from sudden reactions to them may occur' blurb is a might true," said Lawn with a laugh. Zombos stood mute, but his fists were clenched into tight balls. "Maybe I should go first," said Lawn, taking pity on Zombos.

Of course, any experienced haunt attraction devotee knows you never go in second, or last for that matter. There's safety in numbers, especially the middle odd ones when in a group of determined, but skittish horrorheads.

Once the doors opened, and we were inside, the true fear that comes from the expected unexpected began. Haunted attractions rely on simple but devilish effects that take advantage of darkness or gloomy light, unnerving and disorienting sounds, and spookers, both visible and dressed in blackout clothes, primed and ready to lead you into and out of each foreboding room of fright, with all designed to scare the hell out of you, and maybe gross you out a bit along the way for added measure.

Suddenly, a pair of headlights caught Zombos in their beams, and a car crashed just a foot or so away from him. He was too startled to scream this time. Like I said, the second person always gets it but good. From there it was a feverish, twitchy-tour, from freak-me-out room to you-go-first room, each filled with a mind-numbing tableau of terror. At one point we had to climb over a bed to get to a door on the other side. Mr. Chin took the initiative after I--and even Lawn--balked at ruffling the bedsheets for fear of what lay underneath.

Then there were strobe lights. Really disorienting strobe lights, flashing out time-slices in that bizarre, mixed-up, non-linear way of theirs. In the room of mummies, we found ourselves desperately trying to avoid their touch as they changed position to the beat of the strobing light, blocking our exit. Or did they even move? Perhaps the alternating darkness and brightness made it seem they were moving. The tableau reminded me of the blind nurses' devilish mannequin dance in Silent Hill. I wanted out from this temporal aliasing so bad I could taste it.

I finally managed to get past the blinking mummies...and into the twirling laser-light tunnel, spinning around and around and around, taking what little wits I had left and spinning them around, too. The coup de grâce was stepping ankle deep into something grainy and squishy, down a tenebrous hallway, just before we were set free.

"Lord love a duck, would you look at my shoes," I said. Whatever it was we walked through was still in my shoes.

"That was the most harrowing experience of horror I've had," said Zombos, clutching his heart.

"Tarnation! What a ride," said Lawn, dusting off his boots.

"Damn, let's do that again!" said Mr. Chin. We looked at him in horror.

Then we did it again.