From Zombos' Closet

Interview: Spooking in a Haunt Attraction

While chatting with Max, the Drunken Severed Head on the phone (he uses voice dial and a headset, of course), I was surprised to find out he worked as a spooker in a haunted house attraction. This was back in the days when he had a body. Naturally, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to learn all about it.

Which haunted attractions did you spook in, and when?

In the St. Louis attraction "Dr. Zurheide's Asylum", (built inside a very old, former brewery), I was the title character for the first season, and part of the second season. (I think this was in 1995 and 1996; I'd have to unearth my performing resume to be sure, and that might take a good bit of time.

Also in '96 I was a variety of characters for another attraction, whose name escapes me,which was set up outdoors as a maze. Of course, this was all before the circumstances that left me a drunken severed head.

How did you come be involved with it?

Dr. Zurheide's Asylum had an ad I responded to, I think. And as I had previously played a mad scientist in a locally staged horror movie spoof, "Monster House Party", I had pictures that convinced them to use me. ("Zurheide" was the name of one of the owners of the attraction.)

As for the outdoor attraction, I went to them and applied. I had not been happy with the working conditions at Zurheide's.

What were the working conditions like?

They are typical conditions in many attractions: stuffy and smoky from the "fog" pumped in from time to time, breaks were too rare, the sound was loud, and the hours were long. The owners themselves were nice people, but had never opened their own place before and didn't expect how rough it was gonna be.

What part did you play in scaring the paying customers?

Well, as Dr. Zurheide I was a scientist in a large operating theatre, where I had fake corpses to "experiment" on (with scalpels, hypodermics and other such props), and lots of fake body parts. I spend much of my time cackling, muttering, cursing (without profanity), and pretending to do all kinds of nasty stuff to the stiffs and the various amputated parts, including pretending to eat them.

In the outdoor attraction, I played different masked monsters, but the most vivid memory was one night wearing an "Alien" costume. That's right; 5'6" me was in full rubber Alien drag (a professional, beautiful costume), and playing an 8 foot tall character! I think I was frightening in the dark outdoors, but perhaps I was scary only to the very shortest customers! I do remember that I had to wear a vest ringed with ice-packs because the costume was so hot, especially with that large wienie-shaped headpiece that I had to wear. The costume was something assigned to as many actors as possible, because wearing it was such a chore. It had overlapping pieces, which is the reason it could fit people of different sizes.

I've spent all my life daydreaming such stuff! Watched monster movies ever since I was a child. My mother was a horror movie fan. And in "Monster House Party" I had been "Dr. Stein", a Karloff-inspired, wild-eyed nut-job that came in handy when playing another wild-eyed nut-job at the Asylum. I'd also done improvisational comedy with a few different troupes, and improvisational murder mysteries.

What wacky stuff happened to you?

You had to watch out for people who wanted to grab you. Teenage boys and drunks of all ages liked to try it. In the Asylum, most "scenes" had bars between the actor and the customers, so it was much easier to prevent that. No one ever bothered the masked actors who wielded chainsaws. Of course, the saws have no chains on them, so they can't cut anyone, but you can't tell that in a dark attraction, and I think many people were genuinely afraid of being accidentally hacked to bits if they got too close. In the Asylum attraction I did have women surprise me by flashing me their breasts! So, despite the low pay, the job had some benefits!

What other interesting tidbits about your experience can you tell us?

Good weather was important. Rain would drive down the number of customers a great deal, even for indoor attractions. I also remember that at the Asylum the music played over the speakers actually creeped me out. They played the title music, from the film THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL. It's very spooky. Even though I heard it over and over, it gave me goosebumps every night.

Would you do it again?

In a heart beat! A very loud, maddening heart beat...

Movie Review: Hiruko the Goblin (1991) Ahead of the Rest

Zombos Says: Very Good

"I am not going and that is final," snapped Zombos. He folded his arms with finality.

"Me, neither," said Lawn Gisland. "Tarnation! That's one ornery, psycho-crazy movie, and not to my liking." He folded his arms with finality.

"But no one else wants to review it," I protested. "You know I'm too squeamish to watch blood-oozing gore like that alone. I get sick at the sight of bloody body chunks flying helter-skelter across the screen. I fainted during the last one." I was desperate. No one wanted to come with me to see Saw IV.

"You're the high-falutin horror reviewer," said Lawn, "you go and have all the fun."

What would Roger Ebert do? Would he ignore a movie just because he was squeamish? Sure, why not? I decided to review Hiruko the Goblin instead. Spidery goblins ripping off heads is so much easier to watch than that creepy Billy the puppet wheeling around on his squeaky tricycle anyway, taunting people as malicious devices of death pull them apart.

You don't need a Wikipedia entry for this movie like the lengthy one that explains the convolutions of the Saw series, either. Hiruko the Goblin (Yôkai hantâ: Hiruko) is a simple, heartwarming story about a boy, his longing for a girl's head, and an eccentric archaeologist with enough demon-hunting gadgets to put the Ghost Busters to shame. A foreboding school during summer recess, built over a gate to hell, adds some spice to this manga-frenetic actioner from co-writer and director Shinya Tsukamoto (he did the bizarre and inexplicable Tetsuo, the Iron Man; I dare you to explain that one).

This time he tones down his surrealistic art-house style in favor of grotesque, slapstick humor as the archaeologist, Hieda (Kenji Sawada), and the boy, Masao (Masaki Kudou) fight against Hiruko, a nasty, six-legged goblin with siblings to match, in and around the deserted school. Copious amounts of blood spout here and there, but Tsukamoto plays it for absurdity and icky frights.

At the heart of it is perky Reiko (Megumi Ueno) and Masao's crush on her. Reiko becomes an early victim, along with Hieda's friend and fellow archaeologist, Mr. Yabe, Masao's father, when they stumble into Hiruko's cave. Masao's buddies soon lose their heads over Reiko, too, as she--her lovely head, anyway--and the beastie scamper through the empty hallways of the school, singing a hypnotizing melody to lure them to their doom. When Hieda shows up with his homemade goblin detection and eradication-stuffed suitcase of gadgets, he's just in time to rescue Masao. In a calamitous, high-speed bicycle chase through the school, Reiko's head chases after them, sticking out her disgustingly long tongue, but they escape, screaming all the way.

Borrowing visual tidbits from such movies as John Carpenter's The Thing, and Roger Corman's The Little Shop of Horrors, Tsukamoto follows the bumbling pair as they search for Hiruko's home, hoping to seal him in permanently. Like Audrey, the man-eating plant whose victims' faces appeared as blooming flowers, Masao receives a searing image of a face on his back each time Hiruko claims another head. The mystery of that, and his part in sealing the gate to hell, is soon revealed.

The skittish school janitor joins in the fight, and all three go against Hiruko, who sprouts wings and flies away after Hieda whips out a can of bug spray. Realizing where the entrance to Hiruko's cave is--the tool shed at the rear garden--Hieda and Masao enter the stone room and open the gate to the goblin's home. Of course, at this point, considering their purpose was to keep the gate closed, you may wonder why they opened it. Why, to get to the other side, of course! And the other side is a cavern filled with hundreds of Hiruko's pesky siblings, each looking to get ahead. When the bug spray runs out, it's a free for all as Hieda and Masao fight off the demons while trying to seal the gate they shouldn't have opened to begin with.

Hiruko the Goblin is a fun, farcical horror romp from a director not known for his lighter side. The less than stellar use of stop-motion animation and jerky animatronics for the goblins only adds to the over the top style, which approaches Sam Raimi's Evil Dead II in its bloody, gory slapstick mayhem.

For fans of Tsukamoto's Tetsuo, the Iron Man, this movie may be a disappointment; but for the rest of us horror heads it's a cheeky-weird monster movie that's entertaining and effectively creeps inducing.

Movie Review: 30 Days of Night (2007)

Zombos Says: Good

I award the movie two and a half stars because it is well-made, well-photographed and plausibly acted, and is better than it needs to be...Otherwise, this would be a radio play. I have pretty much reached my quota for vampire movies, but I shouldn't hold that against this one. If you haven't seen too many, you might like it. If you are a horror fan, you will love it. (Roger Ebert, from his review of 30 Days of Night)

Dear Roger,

I must take umbrage to your potentially snarky comment regarding horror fans. Not all of us automatically gush in delight at the sight of crimson fountains of blood spewing from severed jugular veins, torn open by shark-toothed vampires ripping into screaming victims. To the contrary, many of us are quite demanding in our never-ending search for skillfully crafted storylines that merge terror and drama competently, above and beyond the usual frights.

Right off the bat I can tell you weren't paying close attention to the movie: it's Barrow, Alaska, not Barlow. The only Barlow I know is in Ohio, and they certainly don't have to worry about 30 days of night or ravenous vampires for that matter. On the other hand—

 

"You are getting a little off topic," said Zombos, peering over my shoulder.

"You're right." I stopped typing and collected my thoughts. "Maybe I should start over."

“Good idea,” he agreed.

 

Dear Roger,

I take exception to your cavalier comment regarding horror fans liking 30 Days of Night just because it's a horror film; especially after you begrudgingly gave it two and a half stars. Not all of us children-of-the-night critics pile on the hyperbole when a highly anticipated vampire film hits the big screen, even if it does contain an interesting premise. I can't believe no one thought of it before Steve Niles and Ben Templesmith grabbed it for their graphic novel.

Speaking of the graphic novel, originally conceived as a three-issue series containing very evocative illustrations that grab each panel and—

 

"Are you writing about the movie or the comic book series?" asked Zombos.

 

—But I digress. I agree that the story becomes the usual struggle for survival against murderous fiends, but what did you expect? It's a horror movie, where victims usually struggle against nightmarish fiends, and try their best not to be eaten, bitten, hack-sawed, disemboweled, tortured, and, generally speaking, grievously harmed in any way.

I'll grant you the Sheriff doesn't do too good a job of it—saving townspeople, that is—but at least he gives it his best shot. It's nice, too, that his estranged wife can finally find something they both can share in, like staying alive.

The opening events, with the mysterious burning of all the mobile phones, and the butchering of all the huskies in town should have alerted Sheriff Eben (Josh Hartnett) that trouble was brewing. And when Renfield's cousin (Ben Foster) shows up to chill us with his icy words heralding approaching doom, I'd be hauling my ass out of town right quick. But then we wouldn't have much of a horror film, would we?

Granted, when the vampires do arrive, they're the usual Goth-looking, shark-toothed, black-eyed night-crawlers with just a hint of fashion. And like you said, they are "a miserable lot." One thing you didn't mention, however, is the odd way they spill copious pools of blood. It never ceases to amaze me when scriptwriters turn vampires into werewolves, having them rip out throats in geyser-like sprays of arterial blood, wasting their food source in an orgy of sadistic destruction. More blood winds up in the snow than in the stomachs of these guys. Go figure. Sure, as you said, they shwoosh around a lot, teasingly just out of sight, but they aren't zombies you know.

Zombies dawdle; vampires shwoosh. It's the nature of the beast.

I agree with you on that whole non-Hammer speaking thing; bad call here. If there's anything worse than vampires ripping out your throat in large chunks, it's having to listen to their really tedious pontifications before they do it. The dialog here is not a keeper, and the subtitles to translate their click-clack-clucking speech is irritating. For some odd reason, I kept imagining they came from Russia, though I can't fathom why.

 

"I thought you were writing this review to refute Ebert's two and a half stars, not agree with him," commented Zombos. "Maybe you should focus on that?"

"Oh, right. Let me think this through again. You're right. I'll start over."

 

Dear Roger,

I don't think it fair to award only two and a half stars to 30 Days of Night. The acting is earnest and effective and the cinematography captures the setting sunset and onset of darkness beautifully, exemplifying the isolation of Barrow in the cold Alaskan winter. The action sequences are handled well and move the story at a brisk pace, holding the tension well as vampires descend on the town and systematically wreak havoc, breaking into homes in search of prey, and snatching people in fast shwooshes of action across the snow banks.

After awhile it does all seem to blur into the same old vampire stalking, victim-dying pattern, but while the story becomes the usual struggle for survival, the interplay between Sheriff Eben and his estranged wife (Melissa George), a law-enforcement type herself, adds depth to the storyline, and more involvement from us: there's nothing like a couple getting back together to bring out our concern for their safety.

Horror films could use more romance.

That interlude with the little vampire girl in the general store is worth noting. So what do you do with a blood-thirsty little vampire girl anyway? Cute kid? No, but still a kid. It's nice to see some good old axe swinging, vampire head-chopping, here and there. The film could have used more of that. There's nothing like romance and heads flying to spice things up.

I must admit I was a tad disappointed after Sheriff Eben's inspiring speech about the townspeople being natives and using their experience with the cold and darkness to fight the interlopers. Not much in the way of that experience shone through, and everyone pretty much froze their asses off in the dark instead. After that dangerous foray to the general store to get supplies and potential weapons, not much was done with that stuff after all that, either.

Speaking of that 30 days' full moon lighting that permeates the streets and buildings of the supposedly darkness-enshrouded town, you do have a point. I found it odd, too. The film starts off with things going dark after the blood-thirsty cretins disable the generator, but interiors and streets suddenly become brightly lit, with light coming from somewhere. So much for that 30 days of darkness thing. More murkiness in the town would have shaken things up better.

 

"Damn, I did it again, didn't I?" I said.

Zombos nodded, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, hell."

 

Dear Roger,

I agree with you: the film is a solid two and a half stars and horror fans should love it in spite of its few inconsistencies. 

Yours Truly,

Zoc

PS. We miss you.

Pumpkin Carvings to Die For

I dread carving up the jack-o-lantern every Halloween. After spending so much money for the biggest, baddest, pumpkin in the lot, my feeble carving skills wind up leaving my orange ball of stringy guts with a rinky-dink face comprised of an uneven smile, oddball eyes, and slanted teeth that convey no horror bite, nor whimsy, nor anything remotely appropriate for Halloween.

So when I see pumpkin carving skill as displayed at http://www.extremepumpkins.com, I envy, I covet, I stand, drooling from my trembling lips, in awe.

Interview: Midnight Syndicate's Edward Douglas

Director Edward Douglas kindly steps into the closet to talk about his upcoming film, The Dead Matter, which tells the story of a vampire relic with occult powers that falls into the hands of a grief-stricken young woman who will do anything to contact her dead brother.

What makes The Dead Matter a horror film that fans will want to see?

My favorite horror films are the ones that incorporate all the visuals and atmosphere with a strong script and story. That’s what we have with “The Dead Matter.” This movie has lots of twists and turns along with some unorthodox takes on traditional horror themes. Mix that with the FX guys at Precinct 13 doing their thing, 70’s horror buff DP, Alex Esber, crafting the look, and some great performances by our cast and you got something special.

The icing on the cake for me is that although there are very few original themes out there, we do manage several memorable moments that I think will stick with audiences for a while afterwards. Music is one of the most important elements for me so Gavin Goszka and I (Midnight Syndicate) will be working overtime to make sure the score is something really special as well.

I love horror films. Between Midnight Syndicate and Midnight Syndicate Films, it’s not only my job but my hobby as well. Although I always find something enjoyable in each film I watch, I’ve been disappointed as of late – often it just comes down to the script. Especially with the larger budgets, it just doesn’t feel like enough time and effort is being put into that area of the production. Co-writer Tony Demci and I spent a lot of time tweaking “The Dead Matter” script into the kind of horror movie we would like to see made. It’s a film that I think will resonate with a lot of horror film fans – a good time.

You did an earlier version of The Dead Matter in 1996. Did you approach this version differently? If so, tell us how and why you made those changes.

My goal from the beginning was to use the original version as a springboard for a remake with an actual budget. The upside to it taking this long is that we’ve had over ten years to think about what we liked and didn’t like the first time around. I’ve had ten more years of life experience, ten more years of watching even more horror films, reading and writing more stories, and co-producing all of the Midnight Syndicate horror music CDs. It’s all had a positive impact on how I approached the new version of the “The Dead Matter.” The production concept hasn’t changed drastically; it’s just executed a lot better in the script.

Having an actual budget allowed us to work with a talented cast and crew and achieve a look that wasn’t even fathomable for us in ’96 when we shot the film for $2000 on Super VHS tape. One of the biggest decisions was to shoot the new version on film. In the end I wanted to see “The Dead Matter” looking the way I remember movies looking while I was growing up. Even with all the post-FX available there’s just something about film. Alex and the lighting crew really delivered the classic look I was going for.

What challenges did you face during production, and how did you overcome them?

In our second week, Mansfield, Ohio (the city we were filming in) got hit with a storm so large that it flooded everything and rained us out for one of our nights of filming. When we woke up that next morning the entire lower part of the city was underwater (including part of our backup set). It even made the national news. It was the most rain the city had seen in over 20 years and one of the rainiest Augusts in Northeastern Ohio history (about a third of our film is exteriors so we had our backs to the wall). Producer, Gary Jones and UPM, Philip Garrett assembled an incredibly talented crew, though, that did what veterans do – make things happen in less than ideal situations. We pulled together, switched scheduling around, made up for the lost time, and got back on schedule that following week. It was challenging but we got all the scenes covered and I didn’t have to compromise the script at all.

As far as other challenges go, shooting on film always presents a fun and exciting array of potential disasters and challenges. I’ll leave it at that for now.

Now that you're in post-production, what are your plans for distribution? When will we get to see The Dead Matter?

I think we’ll be ready to begin screening “The Dead Matter” next summer. Although I don’t have a fixed release date, one date that is set is August 1^st. That’s when Midnight Syndicate’s soundtrack to “The Dead Matter” will be available in stores. The movie will be released afterwards.

Music is an important part of your life. You composed the scores for The Dead Matter, Sin-Jin Smyth, and The Rage. You also founded the band, Midnight Syndicate. What similarities and differences are there between composing music and directing a film?

In both directing and composing you are telling a story, only you are using different canvasses. The composer uses music and the director uses more visual elements. If you are handling both those elements I think you have the opportunity of achieving a special cohesiveness between the two.

There aren’t a lot of similarities. As a composer, it’s your job to try and get into the head of the director so that you can use your music to accentuate and elevate their story. You are only a part of the machine – and the focus of your work has to be what’s best for the movie and the director’s vision.

As a director you are running the machine - controlling, in varying degrees, all the facets of the production, including music. The end-product is in your head. The challenge is communicating what is in your head to all the different parts of the machine so that it can become reality on screen.

Why direct? Aren't you busy enough?

One of my main goals has always been to direct motion pictures, starting with “The Dead Matter.” Whether its music or film it’s all about telling a story - horror and the supernatural has been the way most of my creative endeavors have drifted towards.

I combined my love of filmmaking and music with the first Midnight Syndicate concerts I produced in ’98. The concerts were a blending of a live band scoring original films that I made along with live actors and animation. It was a rewarding and learning experience but not the same as producing and scoring a full-length feature. Midnight Syndicate does keep me pretty busy, but what I’m doing with Midnight Syndicate Films directly relates to my work with the band, so I see this as all one big intertwined project.

What are your favorite horror and non-horror films? Why?

That’s always the toughest question. I guess I’d say among my all-time favorites that I can think of now are: “Aliens,” “Exorcist,” “Shining,” “Night of the Living Dead,” “The Old Dark House,” “Black Sabbath,” “Jaws,” “The Ring,” “Sixth Sense,” “Dracula (1979),” “Pet Sematary,” Coppola’s “Dracula,” “Evil Dead,” most of the Hammer catalog, “House of Usher,” and “Psycho.”

As far as non-horror films go, a lot of my theatrical training centered in comedy. I enjoy slapstick so I really love everything from the Zucker, Abrahams, and Zucker team, from “Kentucky Fried Movie,” to the “Airplane”s and “Naked Gun”s. “Ghostbusters” is one of my all-time favorites too: great concept, great script, and Sigourney Weaver.

What's the one thing you really love about the horror genre?

There are so many directions you can take the genre in. Whether it’s providing an audience with strong visual elements or leaving it up to their imaginations to fill in the blanks, it’s a genre that sparks something inside of all of us creatively to some extent, I think.

Now what's the one thing you really hate about the horror genre?

More of a recent phenomenon, same thing I’m hearing a lot – all these remakes of the classics. For me it points up my problem with mainstream horror and that is there is little to no focus on the script. In my opinion, strong visuals are part of great horror filmmaking but not the only part. Unfortunately I’m not in a position to say anything. “The Dead Matter” is technically a remake. Additionally, I’m helping fuel the “remake machine” since I’m a huge fan of Rob Zombie and can’t wait to see what he does with “Halloween.”

What movie and music projects are you working on now?

It’s “The Dead Matter” 24/7 right now. I’ll begin editing this November, by February I’ll be starting on the score.

Movie Review: Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane (2007)

Zombos Says: Fair

Marauding voracious zombies, no first class, no in-flight movies, and no salted nuts. And it gets worse! New Line Home Entertainment lands Flight of the Living Dead:Outbreak On A Plane straight to DVD, so fasten your seat belts because it's going to be a bumpy ride.

At a time when airlines have routinely kept passengers stranded in conga lines and airport terminals, creatively screwing-up the air travel experiences for so many travelers in so many nefarious ways, can flesh-eating zombies really be more frightening than having to get through a security checkpoint without completely disrobing, or finding your seat's overhead luggage bin not already stuffed with A30, C13, and D2's carry-ons? The writers, director Scott Thomas, Sidney Iwanter, and Mark Onspaugh, attempt the daunting task of answering that question, but don't have the budget or the scripting verve to make it a resounding yes.

What they do have is a good cast which includes Erick Avari and Kevin J. O'connor from 1999's The Mummy, and a clever sense for using the 747 Jumbo Jet's confining spaces as zombies overrun the cargo hold, the aisles, rip through the floor, and barge their way into the toilet. But the promise of a cheeky, retro-fitted storyline, and characters straight from the Airport disaster movies is not realized, although the opening credit sequence, with its bitchin' song and animation, teases us with that expectation.

Yes, there's a nun—sans guitar this time, thank God—a cop handcuffed to his wise-cracking, suave criminal charge, three perky stewardesses, an aging pilot on his last flight, and fast moving bio-zombies. What's not here is the needed scale to make the aisles of the 747 a harrowing battleground, or the depth of characterization and turmoil to put you on the edge of your seat, dreading every minute the plane is in the air. It's a good popcorn and soda movie, but you will find the popcorn doesn't stick in your throat and the soda doesn't fizz into your nose like it does when watching more gripping horror fare. Missing, too, is the realism and normal discomfort of being on a plane: passengers on this flight easily stand in and walk the aisles during turbulent weather, and there's no intrusive background jet engine noise; and for a 747, not many passengers booked this trip, although we keep getting new zombies from somewhere.

The strongest missing element is a more dynamic and iconic personality to rally the passengers against the voracious, economy class undead. While the properly cliché characters are adequate, not much is written into them. The famous golf pro, who carries and continuously polishes his beloved club, manages to knock a few growling heads off, here and there, but, like the martial artist in Snakes on a Plane, his potential is never realized. The quiet nun, ignoring everything around her, unfairly meets her grisly end without redemption, just when she decides to get involved. The cop and the sky marshal whip out their guns, but don't rally or rescue anyone in the process. Instead, it's a free-for-all as passengers run and zombies chase in a paint-by-numbers flow of lively action.

Automatic weapons and incendiary devices provide wacky fun. The outbreak begins when an infected wife of one of the renegade scientists on-board reanimates, much to the chagrin of the hazmat-suited guard nervously holding a semi-automatic weapon in the cargo hold. He opens fire, spraying bullets into the communications box and everything else but the agitated woman. She chomps down and the zombie romp begins.

With so many bullets flying around, it's hilarious the cabin isn't compromised. One errant bullet does manage to rip through the plane's interior and into the side of a flight attendant in a deft scene of mayhem. An improvised munition to blow up the zombies in the cargo hold doesn't put a dent in the plane, either, but this intentionally ludicrous scene is done well.

At least I hope it was intentional.

Cut-aways to increasingly worried military and government officials on the ground give the backstory, but tend to slow the action happening on the plane, clipping the tension instead of increasing it. Exterior shots of the CGI plane in flight are also glaringly budget and should have been used more sparingly. Then there are the air ducts. I'm not familiar with the 747's air circulation system, but whenever I see air ducts big enough to elbow your way through them, the words "convenient plot device" spring to mind. The disbelieving sky marshal is quickly made a believer when he suddenly encounters one energetic zombie in one.

While the dialog is not crisp or witty, it does have its moments, and the fighter jet, scrambled to bring down the plane, complicates things for the few remaining passengers not gnawing on each other. Only one fighter jet is dispatched, though, so I suppose the Pentagon isn't too worried about the infected plane landing (or crashing) in a populated area.

The best way to watch Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane, is with a bunch of fellow horrorheads, lots of popcorn and White Castle hamburgers, Cane Cola with lime, and Oreo cookies.

Toss in Snakes on a Plane, and Spookies, and you've got a night of it.

 

Face Your Fear: Nightmare Ghost Stories In New York City

"You're kidding," said Mr. Chin, shaking his head in astonishment.

"No. Really. He screams like a young girl going through a bad frat initiation," I said.

"Wow, I never imagined..."

"Now what?" There was a commotion in back of us. We were standing in line, waiting to get into The Maze, a new addition to Psycho Clan's Nightmare: Ghost Stories, New York City's favorite haunted house attraction.

"Hey, looks like Lawn decked the ghost," said Mr. Chin, chuckling.

A guy wearing a white sheet had been keeping things lively by sneaking up on people waiting in line to give them a quick fright. He was now on the floor, balled-up in a fetal position and moaning horribly, although this time I don't think he was acting. Lawn Gisland, former movie cowboy and rodeo star, had slugged him hard.

"Lordy, sorry, so sorry, buddy," said Lawn, leaning over the prostrate ghost. You oughtn't have snuck up on me like that. It was pure instinct is all." The ghost moaned louder, tightly clutching his white sheet as he rocked back and forth. Two guys wearing wireless headsets came running over and carried him away. They gave Lawn dirty looks.

Going through the new Nightmare: Ghost Stories haunted attraction, Face Your Fear, can be quite a test for your nerves, as Mr. Chin, Lawn, myself and Zombos soon found out. 

Mr. Chin insisted on doing The Maze first, but the many screams emanating from it didn't endear me to that idea. Groping around in the dark without Riddick's eyesight, through claustrophobic, tortuous passages filled with disoriented people desperately searching for the exit, and spookers hiding around every corner waiting to scare you is--oddly--not much fun for me.

I let the eager Mr. Chin go first, then pushed Zombos ahead of me. He scowled, but I'm only his valet, not his bloody bodyguard. Lawn followed Zombos. I took a deep breadth and plunged into the pitch blackness of terror. Within the first two minutes I realized my strategy of always following the right-side wall, and always turning right at corners, wasn't working well.

"Mr. Chin?" I called out.

"Over here," he said.

I groped in the direction of his voice. "Where's Zombos and Lawn?"

Someone ahead of us screamed like a young girl during a fraternity hazing.

"Hey, you weren't kidding," said Mr. Chin. "Let's not go that way." We turned left instead, right into a dead end.

There were many dead ends, and spookers patiently crouching in them, eagerly taking advantage of our poor sense of direction. Jean-Paul Sartre must have been referring to his experience in a maze when he wrote "hell is other people," though he probably meant to say "hell is being stuck in a maze that is so dark you can't see your freakin' hand in front of your face, and having lots of screaming, frightened people stuck in there with you bumping into one another." After what seemed like an eternity, a light flashed in front of us.

"Look," said Mr. Chin. Ahead of us, a brawny, long-haired guy quietly pointed to the exit. Dressed in a bloody apron, and bearing a remarkable resemblance to Leatherface, we were reluctant to take him up on his offer. He was pretty insistent, however, so I pushed Mr. Chin ahead of me and we ran past him. Freedom never tasted so good. We braced ourselves for the main attraction, Face Your Fear.

Lawn and Zombos were already waiting on the line to get in, under the flickering chandelier covered in cobwebs. Lawn was smiling from ear to ear, and Zombos looked as white as the sheet that poor ghost had worn. They were reading the Assumption of Risk disclaimer tacked to the wall. A really really large poster with very very small print.

"I reckon that 'physical injury from frightening performers, or from sudden reactions to them may occur' blurb is a might true," said Lawn with a laugh. Zombos stood mute, but his fists were clenched into tight balls. "Maybe I should go first," said Lawn, taking pity on Zombos.

Of course, any experienced haunt attraction devotee knows you never go in second, or last for that matter. There's safety in numbers, especially the middle odd ones when in a group of determined, but skittish horrorheads.

Once the doors opened, and we were inside, the true fear that comes from the expected unexpected began. Haunted attractions rely on simple but devilish effects that take advantage of darkness or gloomy light, unnerving and disorienting sounds, and spookers, both visible and dressed in blackout clothes, primed and ready to lead you into and out of each foreboding room of fright, with all designed to scare the hell out of you, and maybe gross you out a bit along the way for added measure.

Suddenly, a pair of headlights caught Zombos in their beams, and a car crashed just a foot or so away from him. He was too startled to scream this time. Like I said, the second person always gets it but good. From there it was a feverish, twitchy-tour, from freak-me-out room to you-go-first room, each filled with a mind-numbing tableau of terror. At one point we had to climb over a bed to get to a door on the other side. Mr. Chin took the initiative after I--and even Lawn--balked at ruffling the bedsheets for fear of what lay underneath.

Then there were strobe lights. Really disorienting strobe lights, flashing out time-slices in that bizarre, mixed-up, non-linear way of theirs. In the room of mummies, we found ourselves desperately trying to avoid their touch as they changed position to the beat of the strobing light, blocking our exit. Or did they even move? Perhaps the alternating darkness and brightness made it seem they were moving. The tableau reminded me of the blind nurses' devilish mannequin dance in Silent Hill. I wanted out from this temporal aliasing so bad I could taste it.

I finally managed to get past the blinking mummies...and into the twirling laser-light tunnel, spinning around and around and around, taking what little wits I had left and spinning them around, too. The coup de grâce was stepping ankle deep into something grainy and squishy, down a tenebrous hallway, just before we were set free.

"Lord love a duck, would you look at my shoes," I said. Whatever it was we walked through was still in my shoes.

"That was the most harrowing experience of horror I've had," said Zombos, clutching his heart.

"Tarnation! What a ride," said Lawn, dusting off his boots.

"Damn, let's do that again!" said Mr. Chin. We looked at him in horror.

Then we did it again.

Documentary Review: Vampira The Movie (2006)

Zombos Says: Good

The year is 1954. It's midnight on a KABC-TV Saturday night. A striking, impossibly wasp-waisted woman in a torn black dress glides down a long, dry ice misty, cobwebbed corridor toward the camera, past unlit candelabras. She stops. Suddenly she screams, then looks at the camera with a devilish gleam in her eyes and says "Screaming relaxes me so."

Vampira's short-lived television show--where, in-between showing gems like White Zombie and forgettable B-fare, she would mix a foaming cocktail to "absolutely kill you," or search for her always lost pet spider, Rollo--opened the door for the many male and female horror hosts that followed, and set the tongue-in-cheek, ghoul-cool standard for hosting still seen today. With her phallic-looking nails, plunging v-neck exposed bosom, and sardonic wit, she presented quite the picture of the succubus every straight guy would love to meet in a darkened room.

Kevin Sean Michaels, in his documentary, Vampira: The Movie, introduces us to Maila Nurmi, Vampira's more normal alter ego. In her eighties now, this succubus may have faded with time, but her wit remains as Nurmi talks about the creation of her influential character, still celebrated by horrorheads everywhere.

The most striking revelation, at least for me, is that she didn't start out the way she ended up. While many of us tend to do that, we, generally, have an inkling as to where we want to end up and aim accordingly. For Nurmi, all she wanted was to be an evangelist. How she missed that path--thank you God from us horror fans--is an interesting mix of plan and chance. Her plan was to make enough money so she could pitch a tent and start preaching. The chance came when she appeared at a costume ball, gets spotted by a producer looking for a good reason people would lose sleep for, and is hired to host a bunch of shlock horror movies that any sane person wouldn't watch in the daytime, let alone midnight on a Saturday night.

Using her love for comics, cartoonist Charles Addams, and bondage photographer and artist John Willie, Nurmi set about to create a "glamor ghoul." She mixed the sensual power of Terry and the Pirates' Dragon Lady, the ghoulish, bizarre charm of the Addams Family, and the fetishistic allure of Willie's tightly-bound leather ladies in ecstasy (or distress) to create the first Goth chick on the television screen.

In-between the testimonials and remembrances from notable horror personalities like Forrest J. Ackerman, Zacherley, Sid Haig, Lloyd Kaufman, Jerry Only of the Misfits, and many others, Nurmi recalls her sudden fame and subsequent Hollywood blacklisting,, and her associations with Marlon Brando and James Dean. While Vampira may have been a sexy, liberated ghoul, Nurmi shied away from acting because she disliked its competitive nature, and professed to be not as sexually-emancipated as her more seductive twin.

Cassandra Peterson discusses the lawsuit regarding her Elvira, Mistress of the Dark character, whom Nurmi felt looked too much like Vampira, and a good portion of the documentary focuses on Vampira's appearance in Plan 9 From Outer Space, in which Nurmi gives her initial impression of Edward D. Wood Jr. as a "low-born idiot." Unfortunately, little remains of Vampira's KABC-TV show, so Wood's legendary train wreck of a movie is her most-remembered appearance. After reading the script and complaining about her dialog, she and Wood agreed to make her character in the film silent.

The documentary is a welcome and long overdue tribute to an influential figure in the annals of cinematic horror, but it does have its minor faults. Background music is used when silence would have been golden, and too much time is spent on Plan 9 From Outer Space and Wood. The special features play more like "we've got to find something to add" instead of more note-worthy content, though, from the director's commentary it appears there's just not much material available. Nurmi led a hermit-like existence after James Dean's death, and it is quite an accomplishment to get her talking at all. But one pines for more clips from her show, and more personal recollections from those closest to her. But hearing and seeing Maila Nurmi, even after all this time, is to die for. Thanks to her devoted fans that helped make this documentary, we don't have to go that far.

As Vampira would say at the close of her show, "Bad dreams, darling."

Movie Review: The Victim (2006)

Zombos Says: Very Good

"Maybe you can reenact the mystery?" said Lawn Gisland. He stretched his unusually long legs out in front of him and yawned. "Like Ting, 'cept less'n the melodrama a mite." He pulled at his cookie duster. "Say, Zoc, squeeze me 'nother one of those cappurino's, por favor."

"Sure pardner," I said, firing up the old cappuccino steam engine. The sound of pent-up steam escaping echoed through the cinematorium.

Zombos continued to look high and low for his eyeglasses, holding up our viewing of the Thai horror movie, The Victim. We were half-way through it before Zombos needed to hit the toilet; three large mocha cappuccinos were a record for him. When he came back he realized he misplaced his second pair of eyes.

Lawn stood up, all six feet and three inches of him, and joined the search. Having starred in numerous Westerns on the little screen during the 1950s and 1960s, he and Zombos went way back together. He had hung up his spurs and retired to Florida to wrestle gators for the tourists. Getting bored with that he scratched his itch by touring as a circus cowboy, doing trick shooting and fancy riding. He was visiting the mansion while the Smith and Walloo Brothers 3-in-1 tent show set up in Long Island. For a man his age, he didn't show it. Zombos often joked that Lawn must have a decrepit looking portrait in his attic like Dorian Gray.

I bet he did.

"Here. Wet your whistle while you search." I handed the cappuccino to him. He downed it in three gulps. Something crunched sharply under his right Black Jack Hornback Alligator boot heel as he handed me his empty mug.

Zombos froze, his eyes widened.

"Found them," said Lawn. He stooped to pick up them up and handed the mangled eyeglasses back to Zombos.

After I hastily retrieved Zombos' second pair from the library we continued our viewing of The Victim.

Considering Thailand's strong superstitions about ghostly phenomena, it's a wonder Ghost Hunters Jason and Grant haven't visited that country yet. In The Victim, spirits are everywhere, especially as the sprightly aspiring actor Ting (Pitchanart Sakakorn) goes around reenacting the victims' parts in real-life crime scene recreations, places where bad karma is rife.

One spirit in particular piques her interest, and challenges her acting skills to the fullest as she reenacts the circumstances surrounding the disappearance and death of Meen, a former Miss Thailand.

It soon appears that Ting is losing herself as she prepares for the reenactment of the crime, succumbing to violent flashbacks involving Meen, and disturbing, sometimes bloody, visitations by earthbound ghosts looking for help or vengeance.

The ghostly imagery, directed by Monthon Arayangkoon, moves between poetically eerie glimpses of a genuinely unnerving twilight world filled with pitiable and vengeful spirits at arm's reach, and the usual shocks we are now accustomed to. The pacing slowly moves the story along, and the interplay of bright colors across light and dark scenes, contrasting with darker-toned scenes earlier in the movie, provides visual cuing for the sudden story within the story transition. Just when you think you know what's going on, bingo! you scramble for the remote to go back and see if you missed something.

In an unusual move for Thai horror, Arayangkoon pulls the rug out from under Ting, Meen, and the whole criminal scene investigation storyline by beginning a new storyline, creating a story you thought was happening within the story that is happening. While it starts out as a ghost story, it morphs into a "who's the ghost?" story, and even then, not satisfied with changing Ting's role completely, and meddling with the principal ghost involved, the reasons for all the vengeful havoc befalling Ting and others is revealed to be entirely different from what it seemed to be.

The Victim is an ambitious, more complex movie than usually comes out of T-Horror cinema, and it can be confusing, especially with the little helpful English subtitles that fail to capture the nuances of the Thai language; but it's still a pleasantly surprising departure from the usually straightforward horror fare we've come to expect from Asia. The cultural oddity, for us, with Thai police reenacting crime scenes using actors and the alleged criminal to provide the press with a photo op, and perhaps the spirits of victims with a modicum of peace, separates us from the business as usual horror shown in American cinema, and puts us off-balance immediately.

Drawing strength from its cultural perspectives, the movie draws on real crimes, and was shot on the actual locations where victims met their violent deaths. Building on this unpleasant reality, the movie's artificial reality has an earnest sense of its supernatural underpinnings. The carefully accentuated coloration of these locations, Ting's flashbacks, and the ghostly phenomena that befalls unsuspecting victims creates stark contrasts against each other, especially the later scenes, using a carefully executed palette that is above the over-used blanched fluorescent lighting simplicity seen in Saw, Dark Corners, and other American hard horror endeavors.

With the revelation of the second story, entering on the heels of a revealed lesbian relationship, the movie becomes a who's next? more than a whodunit?, and characters are powerless against a malevolent spirit that neither a traditional Thai spirit house or magic-bestowing tattoo inked with a bamboo needle will appease or avert. In one notable scene, framed through a narrow doorway, a pair of ghostly hands, at the ends of stretching...stretching...stretching arms, reach out to grab one unsuspecting victim.

Watch this movie late at night, when all is quiet and the world is right, and you just may find yourself checking to see if the front door is locked. Again, and again.

Just remember that doors don't stop ghosts, especially when you're alone and in the dark.

With them.