From Zombos Closet

August 2007

Carved (2007)
Scissors Are For Cutting

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Hanako-san and the Toilet

Hanako-san’s ghost haunts the restrooms of many schools in Japan. She appears if her name is called, but you really don’t want to do that; especially on a dare, late at night, when her darker, revenge-filled spirit is at full strength. She died from a broken heart, from constant bullying by her peers, and waits patiently for the time when her tormentors will have to go. School children in Japan were so frightened by this urban legend, many could not go alone to the toilet; where Hanako-san patiently waits. It is said that if you listen closely, you can hear her whispered curses echoing softly off the tiles…

Zombos Says: Good

Japanese urban legends are engrossing, aren’t they? While similar in many respects to American ones, they tease reason loose from the mundane, and play on our fears of unrelenting  supernatural evil and contagion, spiraling out of control in a way that uniquely plays off the community and tradition-based culture of Japan. In America, the witch, Bloody Mary, simply rips your face off if you’re suckered into saying her name thirteen times out loud, while looking in a candle-lit mirror in the dead of night. In Japan, she’d be the ghost of some mistreated woman who rips your face off, then pops up unexpectedly to rip all of your friends’ faces off, then possesses someone close, just when you think it’s over, to continue ripping faces off anyone coming into contact with you.

And she would most likely hold a large pair of blood-dripping scissors to squeeze every last drop of terror out of you as she silently floats across the floor in a greenish haze, anxious to snip snip snip your flesh.

Director and co-writer Kôji Shiraishi’s, A Slit-Mouthed Woman (released as Carved in the USA by Tartan Video), uses the Kuchisake-onna urban legend as its source. In Japanese mythology, Kuchisake-onna is the evil spirit of a woman mutilated by her samurai husband, who cuts her mouth open from ear to ear as retribution for her infidelity, or pride, depending on which version of the legend you prefer.

In Carved, Kuchisake-onna is transformed into the evil spirit of a sickly mother who physically abused and killed her children. Her obake returns to prey on the frightened children in the small town of Midoriyama, wielding a rusty pair of bloody scissors and wearing a white hospital mask and trench-coat. The white mask, a common sight in Japan, covers the gash that runs from ear to ear, a nod to the original legend, but not quite explained here. The traditional “Am I pretty?” question, which presages violent death for her victims, is also out of place. Instead, Shiraishi and co-writer, Naoyuki Yokota, while keeping the well-known aspects of the legend, alter it by adding abusive mothers as the underlying instigation and perpetuation of the horror that steals children away late in the afternoon to murder and mutilate them.

Many Asian horror films center on an unrelenting evil force that grows from the murder of an innocent person. While vengeance is often the catalyst, that force soon envelops or contaminates anyone in close proximity, whether good or bad, as it spreads outward. In Carved, the evil grows from a person who’s bad to begin with—a refreshing change from the usual Japanese approach, though it’s a typical American Horror staple: we like our monsters monstrous from the start you know, and our victims less than pure so they sort of deserve what they get.

The unsavory story begins with three kids talking about the slit-mouthed woman as they walk home after class. Indeed, I wish I had a quarter for every time “slit-mouthed woman” was said by someone in the film. Half-way through I stopped counting. An earthquake shakes the town, and releases the spirit of Kuchisake-onna. Before you could gasp “slit-mouthed woman!” she snatches away kid number one. The next day, Mika, the abused-at-home and bullied-at-school kid thinks she’s next. Depressed kids often think like that, even in Japan.

Ms. Yamashita, her teacher, walks the students home, and when it comes time to drop Mika off, they start talking. Mika shows the bruises her mom left on her arms, but Yamashita, a reformed abuser herself, yells at Mika for wishing ill on her mom. As Mika runs away—that’s right—she’s nabbed by the slit-mouthed woman while Yamashita cowers in fear.

Maybe they should have sent Mr. Matsuzaki to take the kids home instead. Strangely, he’s not really scared of the slit-mouthed woman (have you started counting how may times I’ve written “slit-mouthed woman” yet?). But he does keep hearing her voice in his mind, just before she grabs a kid and disappears. The police, not believing Yamashita’s supernatural depiction of the kidnapping, think it’s someone dressed up as—oh, you know who—so Yamashita and Matsuzaki team up to search for the missing children. When he hears “Am I pretty” again, they jump into his car and race to the home of the slit-mouthed woman’s next victim. They show up in the nick of time to watch the slit-mouthed woman grab the poor kid from behind. When she whips out her scissors to do a little trimming on his mouth, Matsuzaki plays WWE SmackDown with her while Yamashita cowers again. Surprisingly, he plunges the scissors into the slit-mouthed woman instead and “kills” her. But not for long.

Up to this point, the pacing is slow and remains that way. Tension doesn’t build in this film, and the emotional setpoints that should kick our feelings into gear around certain scenes don’t budge one iota. Yet, the storyline remains strangely involving, and a few scenes, while lacking emotional charge from the missing tension-building, will still make you squirm in discomfort.

I squirmed when three bound children are brutalized, leaving one stabbed to death, another horribly mutilated and scarred for life, in both body and soul, and the third having to witness it and wonder when she’s next. While the atrocities are mostly implied, the impression is still harrowing. We don’t often see children harmed in horror films, and I hope this doesn’t mark a trend in that direction. But within this film, it stands out as truly shocking and horrible, and fits into the context of the story.

The inevitable showdown takes place on Childbeck Hill, at the deserted home of Mr. Matsuzaki. It appears he left one particular skeleton in his closet, and those bones are still rattling rather loudly. A flashback gives us his story and why he may be the only one who can stop the slit-mouthed woman. In a totally American-styled ending, the evil continues to play rock, paper, scissors-in-your-mouth for the potential sequel. While I’ve often quipped “would you like fries with that” in regard to American Horror, I never thought I’d be saying it when discussing J-Horror. Times change, I suppose, and the franchising sequelization-antics so prevalent in America’s horror industry appear to have spread their evil contagion, too.

The image of the slit-mouthed woman is nicely stylized for marketability also. I can see those McFarlane toys now. Horrorheads will love them; especially the realistic removable hospital mask, real fabric trench-coat, and realistic-action scissors. Now if they can toss in a voice-chip that says “Am I pretty?” “Smile!” and “Kiss my ass, Freddy” that would be perfect. Add a few mutilated children cowering in fear and you’d have an awesome playset.

Phantasm (1979)
Beware the Tall Man

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Zombos Says: Very Good

Welcome to your nightmare, Mike.

Your parents are dead and your brother Jody is thinking of dumping you off to your aunt while he hits the road in his Plymouth Barracuda muscle car. I’d be depressed, too. It’s no wonder your imagination starts running wild. I’d start imagining all sorts of phantasms if loss and abandonment were uppermost in my mind.

Being a kid in the 1970s doesn’t help much, either. After that exuberant, but now defunct, 1960s high, Tom Wolfe’s aptly named “Me
Decade,” is spinning out of control like a bad, long, hallucinatory trip that begins with a glittering disco ball and quickly morphs into one of the Tall Man’s sentinel spheres sticking out of your forehead, drilling into your brain.

Phantasm is Don Coscarelli’s acid trip on the dark side. With many social institutions losing their veneer of propriety in the 70s, Coscarelli made sure to beat up our quaint notions of peaceful death, comforting undertakers, and simple horror movies. His low-budget film, initially financed by his dad and picked up by Universal after a rough-cut showing, is a tad dated in the special effects department, but
remains a scary, bizarre, trip centering around Morningside Mortuary with Mini-Me versions of recently deceased people popping up, flying metal balls with nasty skull-drills popping up, and a tall sneering gentleman from another place far far away popping up. Able to lift long coffins with a single arm, and endowed with abilities far beyond those of mere mortals like Jody, Mike, and Reggie—the guitar-playing ice-cream man—the Tall Man is one cantankerous and dangerous undertaker.

So go ahead, toss an ABBA platter onto the old turn-table and crank up the volume if that will help make you feel better for a little while. It’s time to have that safe, comfy, feeling blown out from under you, when even in death you get no respect.

Can you dig it?

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what makes Phantasm a cult classic. While the direction is a bit rough, there’s a distinct momentum in
scenes, like a deck of cards being neatly shuffled with each card crisply riffling into the interweaving pile. While the acting is also a bit amateurish, there’s a disarming simplicity to each of the characters, making their nightmarish ordeal stand out against the ordinariness of their lives. While some of the effects are low-tech, they play on the absurd terror of the situation, and the eerie, almost dreamlike—or nightmare-like—situations that reveal more of the sardonic Tall Man’s alien nature, and his sacrilegious dwarfing-down of the bodies of loved ones supposed to be at rest.

The film opens with a glimpse of sex and murder precipitated by the Tall Man’s more feminine side. In a weird twist that disorients with its shock-blink between her and him, we’re hustled into a funeral that brings together best-buds even though the unexpected death of their buddy, Tommy, breaks up their musical trio for good. Now with little left to hold him down, Jody is ready to leave the small town, but Mike, his younger brother, doesn’t want to lose the only close family he has left. But Mike has little time to be depressed; the mortuary’s undertaker is a queer sort, and Mike starts to suspect why.

Or is Mike just punch-drunk from grief and imagining things?

Not knowing which end is up, Mike heads to his local psychic for help. She plays the old stick-your-hand-in-the-box trick and tells him to
control his fear. But fear from what? Leaving the psychic, he’s more confused than when he went in, so he stays close to his big brother. Trolling the local bar, Jody picks up the same “woman” who iced his bud, Tommy. Lucky for him, Mike interrupts his brother’s nocturnal romp in the cemetery before she can do any harm.

The next day, while following Jody around again, Mike sees the Tall Man walking across the street. A blast of cold air from an ice-cream truck attracts the Tall Man’s attention. Angus Scrimm is surreal as the lean, mean, undertaker-machine. His voice, his face, his whole body makes you want to run the other way when he approaches. Like the alien harvester in 1957’s Not of This Earth, the Tall Man is up to no good, and Mike aims to find out just what that is.

Taking a sharp knife with him, Mike heads to Morningside Mortuary.

Late at night, of course. A quick kick through the basement window later, he’s prowling around the creepy marble hallways. In no time at all, he’s barely escaping encounters with an oversized ball-bearing from hell and the Tall Man and his Jawa-looking munchkins. After slamming a big metal door shut before he’s caught, he’s startled to find the Tall Man’s hand, flattened, still moving, and sticking out of the tiny crack in the door frame. He lops off a few of its fingers, spilling yellow ichor from the stumps. Mike realizes it’s time to high-tail it
out of there. Before he goes, he grabs one of the fingers as evidence.

More nightmarish events ensue after underage Mike downs a beer or two and convinces Jody not all is right with Morningside Mortuary. Jody loads up the old family gun and heads there—again at night—but gets attacked by a dwarf and makes a run for it. Worse yet, a hearse chases after him, driven by a much shorter—didn’t we just bury him?—Tommy. Underage Mike pulls up in the bitchin’ Barracuda, and the race is on. Reggie pulls up in his ice-cream truck after the hearse crashes and they discover the diminutive Tommy at the wheel.

Jody sends Mike to Sally’s antique store for safety while they stuff the little guy into Reggie’s truck so the squirt can ooze yellow ichor
over all the popsicles. While perusing the antiques back at Sally’s, Mike’s eyes pop out when he comes across an old tintype photo of the Tall Man that comes alive (Stephen King uses the same effect in his novel, IT).

Looks like the guy’s been around for a long, long time. Great. Time to rethink their fighting strategy.

Reggie, the ice-cream packing, guitar-strumming dude, joins in the fight. Being an ice-cream packing, guitar-strumming dude, he gets whooped good when Tommy bounces back to angry life among the popsicles. When the three of them—Mike, Jody, and Reggie—regroup and converge on the mortuary, they find the gateway to another world, lots more angry munchkins ready for UPS Global pickup, and all about what the Tall Man’s been up to. Just when you think the story is nice-and-tidily ended, Coscarelli throws in a curve-ball. With three
sequels, the Tall Man is unstoppable.

Phantasm will leave you wanting more flying balls of death, more of the Tall Man’s shenanigans, and more munchkin-madness.

The Gravedancers (2006)

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The Gravedancers 2006 movie posterZombos Says: Good

 

Step on a crack, break your back.
Step under a ladder, fall with a clatter.
Dance on a grave, get your ass kicked.

Zombos and I were out in the family cemetery, in the tepid air of a late summer night, prowling around for blurry apparitions to capture on video and unintelligible but spooky noises to record on our digital recorders. He was so excited after watching the new episodes of Ghost Hunters and the Haunted Collector on the Syfy Channel he went online and bought a bunch of spirit-busting gizmos.

“I think I have Uncle Clarence on the thermal imaging scope,” he said with glee. He pointed to a pink blob in the lower left corner. It was bent over at an odd angle; Uncle Clarence was always bent over from the weight of his hunchback.

“That’s your thumb,” I finally said. He grunted his disappointment and moved his thumb out of the way.

“Hullo, what’s that?” I pointed to a dark shape floating just above Cousin Shoemaker’s tombstone. The Ghost-Mart Smart-Budget EMF reader’s numbers were jumping into the high digits.

We cautiously approached the globular shape that quietly hovered above the grave.

“Quick, ask some questions so we can capture its voice on the digital recorder,” Zombos directed.

“Are you Cousin Titus Shoemaker? If so, where did you bury your fortune in the mansion? And how much is it worth? And is it true that Aunt Matilda hit you in the head forty-one times with that meat cleaver Chef Machiavelli still insists on keeping in the third drawer to the right of the triple sink just because you snored?”

“Oh, bugger!” Zombos had gotten close enough to touch the floating shape. “It is not ectoplasm. It is a Barney helium balloon.”

“Damn.” I turned off the digital recorder. “Well, perhaps we should just watch The Gravedancers instead?”

“Capital idea!” someone said.

Zombos looked at me. I looked at him. We looked around the empty cemetery. We kept looking back at it as we ran to the safety of the mansion.

 

While the smartly dressed paranormal investigators in The Gravedancers aren’t exactly the plumbers by day, fearless supernatural inquirers by night kind, they still manage to do a few things right. But in the end, when you go dancing on other people’s graves, you might as well stick a “Kick Me” sign on your back and be done with it.

The nearer to death among you may remember the 1942 Lights Out radio drama, Poltergeist, about the terminal effects from gravedancing. Building on this premise, Mike Mendez’ movie is a tidy little romp in the spirit world that draws inspiration and visual styling from such gems as Night of the Demons, The Frighteners, and Poltergeist.

Unfortunately, it also draws a bit too much from the over the top remake of The Haunting, and that’s where it loses the scary-cred it builds up in the first two-thirds of the story. For a low-budget fright-flick, however, it’s stylish, has good acting, and has coherent—if not always best for the situation—dialog. Toss in its few good shocks and you’ve got a good ghost flick to add to your Halloween viewing list.

Three long-time, but haven’t-seen-each-other-in-a-while friends get together for another friend’s funeral. Oddly enough, the funeral
has nothing to do with the now obligatory horror movie shock opening in the first few minutes. It’s thrilling and chilling, but don’t expect it to tie in anytime soon with the rest of the story. At the goading of the friend who’s yearbook photo has noted “voted the most likely to succeed at Kinkos,” they wind up back at the grave in Crescent View Cemetery, late at night, and stone-cold drunk.

Oh look! Someone’s left an odd card at their friend’s tombstone.

It reads to party all night, and dance over as many graves as possible to loud rock music.

Sure, why not?

Their luck goes downhill from here. The camera nervously peeks around at the shocked tombstones as our bunch, led by that Kinkos ne’er-do-idiot, dance on the resting spots of the town’s worst former inhabitants: an incendiary child guilty of multiple homicides; a pillar of the community who tortured many women tied to it; and a piano teacher who chopped up her lover when not playing Chopin; making that a neat one ghost each for them and their death-mocking dance.

In the weeks that follow, creepy sounds, flickering lights, doors opening on their own, a frightened cat, and a piano playing by itself spook Harris McKay (Dominic Purcell) and his significantly-spooked other, Allison (Clare Kramer). They follow up with Kira, another gravely afflicted cemetery party-goer, who has been having her own ups and downs with a spirit that alternately bites and molests her. They bring her to a hospital; a setup for a wonderfully frightening encounter with a spirited gurney.

Their third dance partner, that Kinkos guy who got them in this mess, has been having some hot issues of his own. When they go to visit him, he’s already called in the local college’s paranormal investigation team (all the rage now, really) headed by Vincent (Tcheky Karyo), and his comely assistant, Culpepper (Meghann Perry). It takes the investigators little time to figure out it’s the old dancing-on-graves curse at work, which persists from moon to moon, or until the cursed person dies. I bet Jason and Grant from TAPS never heard of that one.

So it’s back to Crescent View Cemetery, in the dead of night (of course), to rebury the remains of the antagonized ghosts in hopes of putting them to rest—again. What ensues is a nicely choreographed example of why you shouldn’t jump into graves with very spiteful ghosts itching to bury you, too. It gets worse when one of the investigators decides to do something very unprofessional, leading to more animatronic special effects, surprisingly well done on such a small budget, but somewhat over the top for what started as a more intimate haunting.

Everyone  regroups at the investigators’ stately mansion (Jason and Grant, eat your heart out), but soon they’re bickering over who slept with whom and arguing over old relationship issues. You know, the sorts of things every potential victim in a horror movie does just before he or she dies. An unexpected rearrangement of the landscape keeps them locked in the mansion, trying to fend off their three ghostly antagonists who keep coming on strong.

The climax is a heady mix of really big, ghostly CGI animation, a determined floating bloody corpse wielding a very sharp axe, and a skillful product placement for HUMMER—I’d like to see a Prius save the day like that.

After this movie, I guarantee you’ll not dance on any graves any time soon, and you’ll pay more attention to Jason and Grant on Ghost Hunters, looking for as many useful pointers as possible to ward off vengeful spirits.

You never know.