From Zombos' Closet

Witch for Hire by Ted Naifeh Amulet Books, due August 2021

Zombos Says: good story and artwork. 

Writer and artist Ted Naifeh fashions a cursed creature in the form of a Momo (a nasty meme born from Midori Hayashi's enormous-eyes creature image), which leads to mischief for Faye Faulkner and her new and old friends. Faye is a young witch, more or less, and insists on wearing a conical crown and wide-brimmed hat that tethers her, along with a defiant attitude, to the loser's table in the school cafeteria. Cody reluctantly finds her way to that table after her sister rebuff's her. 

Aside from Faye, who holds the warmest seat at that table, there's Julio the dramatic, Jiyoung looking forward to a more accessible learning environment, and Raffi who will eventually own a mansion and a yacht. Even though Cody thinks Faye needs to lose the witch hat to become more acceptable, Cody eventually realizes she has her own issues to deal with; like her mom who was in a bad auto accident; her dad, who's very into himself and his shady business; and her sister, Bryce, who hides a secret better than her nasty disposition.

In flashbacks we learn why Faye acts the way she does. Cody thinks she should help others because of her magical gifts, but Faye disagrees with good reason. A threat to their safety, and that of their friends, moves the disagreement to more perilous footing, and Faye, like many of us have to do at some point in their lives, needs to make a life-changing--or maybe it's a life-affirming--decision. If she can live that long.

Shy_shelbi, an influencer with 2.3 million followers and a personality straight out of the me-me-me 1970s and vanities of the 1980s, just adores bringing all those teen secrets and issues to everyone's tables for a terminal solution. She practically feeds off the emotional turmoil. Before Faye can help anyone she needs to help herself, and Cody provides the catalyst for her to do so. Shy-shelbi has other ideas, though. As Faye struggles with her past and future, Shy-shelbi, who really isn't that shy, keeps Faye's present a stiff challenge.

Naifeh's YA graphic novel takes a page from Midori's creepy image of the Momo, and the Momo's Internet meme-life (almost like another Slenderman) to make the cursed creature, that exists between real and the realm of ideas, a looming threat to everyone. But especially Faye, because she knows what's happening. His storyline then takes more pages from the sturm and drang that anyone who has attended school has felt at one time or another, more so now with social media breathing heaven and hell down everyone's necks, whether you sat at the losers' table or not. Through it all, the bond between Cody and Faye strengthens, gets frayed, and strengthens some more. 

Faye must also come to terms with her past, her present, and her future to keep her and that friendship going. One thing: does anyone say Holy Moly! these days? You would think a chemistry teacher could come up with something stronger, especially after his classroom demonstration pops a bit too much. Maybe only in YA graphic novels, then? I could think of more graphic words if shy_shelbi showed up at my table, that's for sure.

Note: As always, I receive screener links, book copies, and other stuff for review. But I still review 'em as I see 'em. 

Army of the Dead (2021) Not Taking Care of Business

Zombos Says: watchable, but not memorable. 

"Look, I'm just saying that every time Snyder drops a load it's like fanboy nirvana minus substance to some. To others, his ass must be red from all the ass-kissing he gets when he spends millions of dollars and stretches time beyond normal physics in a way Einstein would have been proud." 

I finished and looked at Paul Holstenwall (see Neon Maniacs). He looked back at me. His eyes narrowed, his mouth was puckering. Any minute he'd have his riposte to my criticism of Army of the Dead, yet another zackstravagance from Zack Snyder, the director many of us either love or hate or dream about, but fanboys simply swoon over with glee. Paul was consummately a fanboy.

"But there's a zombie tiger!" Paul grasped. Shiny stuff tends to distract him.

"So what? He doesn't do anything with it! It's like he told the CGI guys we need some shiny stuff. I know, let's have a zombie tiger!" I barely contained myself. "Oh, and obviously he took notes from Will Smiths's I am Legend, revamped it a little and filled in the dead time with zombie-like mutants that go all tribal primitive and grunt a lot." The only fun aspect of this is he plopped them down in Las Vegas. Oh, wait a minute, didn't Resident Evil: Extinction kick some sand around in Las Vegas too with primitive zombie-mutants? Granted their budget was a wee bit smaller so more sand than glitz, but hell, Paul, the movie's a rehash of stuff we've seen before, and so so, again and again, my eyes watered."

I sipped my Jack and Coke and leaned back. Paul took a long draw from his Screwdriver--his third one by the way--and leaned forward. Chef Machiavelli entered the room pushing  a dessert cart filled with apple pie and rich, dark chocolate scones. He took one look at the situation and wheeled it between the two of us and hastily left. One of the perks of Zombos' mansion was an excellent chef,  followed by another perk of having the best stock of bottled inebriation on Long Island. If Paul kept up his enthusiasm for this, yet another, Snyder-snickle (the pickle kind, that is), round two of our discussion would need a stronger malt whiskey to see me through. 

"Wasn't there anything you liked about the movie?" asked Paul, grabbing a scone in one hand while drinking his screwdriver in the other. He was finally coming to his senses. Or maybe leaving them, which would be a good thing, too, in his case. 

"Well, let's see. Yes. First, the cheeky opening credits montage led us into thinking he was going for a Zombieland tongue in cheek approach...but then the movie changed to a more serious tone, so no, that's not it." I took a piece of apple pie while I stalled. This was going to be harder than I thought. 

"Okay, the characters were well chosen with solid actors to back them up (Dave Bautista, Tig Notaro, Ella Purnell, Theo Rossi, and the bunch of them). No one does snark the way Tig does. And for hulking presence, sort of like a Hostel Yogi Bear, there's Bautista's physical gravitas. You don't know when to duck where he's concerned and that's off-setting and tension-building. Of course, having great talent to work with and then doing nothing much with them but a graphic novel's worth of window-dressing and cliché's, that's a blown opportunity. Either the movie needed more solid backstory in a shorter amount of time or Netflix should have gone with a limited series to allow for less montage, more backstory, more meaty events to take place in the fight for survival. Sure, the visual look and feel of the movie is all casino gloss, but when you roll the story dice, it's just shamblers, faster shamblers, and higher functioning mutants pissing their turf boundaries. Even Garret Dillahunt's Martin is the usual inside man you know will do wrong. Those sunglasses are a dead giveaway he's going to be trouble."

Zombos popped his head into the library and saw Paul was still with us. 

"Come on in," I said. Yes, I was desperate. Zombos always managed to disappear when Paul visited the mansion. Zombos made a funny sawing motion with his hand across his throat and quickly poofed into thin air again before Paul turned his head.

"You just don't like Snyder's knack for giving an audience what they want to see," said Paul. He was definitely over the limit on screwdrivers and scones. I pushed the dessert cart out of his reach with my foot. 

"That's quite true. I fully agree with you. If you're going to put zombies in Las Vegas, you better come up with a better kickstart than the it's so old it's got saggy balls, dog-eared, military super-soldier experiment gone horribly wrong or infected soldier gone horribly wrong. And oops! We let it loose because we needed to, to have a story, so its maximum security container is really a tin can easily dented. One wonders how they got Zeus (Richard Cetrone) into that tin can to begin with? He's smart enough to wear a bullet-deflecting face mask? You'd hope he'd be more of a problem for them as they work on getting into the casino, cracking that incredibly complex safe, and getting out with millions of dollars that must be awfully heavy to carry."

I reached for a scone.

"And another thing, why is it always so easy to crack a super-safe by some person on the team? I mean, this should have been more mission impossible than let's mind our turf and Zeus will mind his and we'll get in and out like aces. One more thing: Snyder wouldn't know how to cheer things up if his life depended on it. Everything is doom and gloom and his characters may start out in different ways, but they always end up with the short end of the stick. Would it kill him to make a happier movie at least once?"

I sipped my drink and realized Paul was out cold on the couch. Probably dreaming about the next Snyder movie, he had a smile on his face. If only the rest of us could be so lucky. Here's something really scary: what if he comes out with a director's cut of Army of the Dead that's four hours long.  Once he's infected Netflix, lord knows what will happen. 

The 100 Hundred Candles Game (2020)

Zombos Says: Fair to Good (the wrap around story for this anthology movie is lifeless, but the seven stories are bloody good).

If you have seen Yokai Monsters: 100 Monsters (1968), you know what the 100 Candles title is referring to. It was a Japanese parlor game (hyakumonogatari kaidankai), circa samurai age-ish, that involved arranging two or three rooms so they appeared like an L if you walked through them. Up to 100 persons could play, but I am not sure that ever happened, unless an entire village joined in. Each person, in turn, would tell a ghost story. Or curse story. Or monster story. As each story was told a light would be extinguished (hence the 100 candles or the original andon lanterns used back then). As each light was extinguished and a new story begun, the rooms would get darker and, presumably, a lot more creepy.

So the Japanese, who brought us the dark, long-haired J-horrors of our cinema nightmares, learned the craft of scaring the bejezus out of anyone hundreds of years ago by creating a mood and a sense of mounting dread. The trick was not to tell those 100 stories. The participants feared that if you reached the 100th story, terrors might be unleashed that were slowly building up as each story was finished, and each villager was quietly positioning themselves closer and closer to the exit just in case all hell broke lose. Now that is a game. Kind of like our contemporary haunt attractions, it relied on scary vignettes and mood lighting. 

Sadly, that overall mood and tension is not to be found in 100 Candles.

Part of that lies with the actors in the wrap around story. They are supposed to be friends, but none of them are friendly and the game's host (Magui Bravi) least of all. One wonders why they all gathered together in the first place. More context and lead-in would have helped a great deal. Why are they playing the game? No one was having fun, not even before they started. No one seemed to have a reason for being there to play the game. None of the emotions on display indicated they even liked each other. An explanation of the game was more detailed than the characters playing it. After that explanation, we are into the first story about a witch that eats kids. It is short and sweet but could make for an entire movie with a fleshed out script.

The next story involves a domestic dispute and a twist-ending, followed by an unsettling but confusing sojourn into demonic children. A demon-haunted mother, a woman waking up in a coffin, a demonic possession, and a nasty habit concerning taking pictures with a cell phone round out the remaining scares.

The stories themselves are good and creepy and while fairly traditional in execution, have an earnest taste for blood and horror. But the wrap around story jostles with them uncomfortably. Eventually the wrap around reaches its climax but since we did not learn much about the game's participants we really do not care too much about them or what happens to them. 

If you take away the wrapper, the horror candy inside is strong and visually arresting, so I recommend you watch this movie and fast forward through the game's participants as they stiffly dialog their growing concerns about the game (but never just leave), and watch the seven stories instead; which makes this a perfect on-demand view, so go at it. 

Note: As always, I receive screeners, links, courtesy copies, etc., for some of my reviews. But I still review 'em as I see 'em. So there.

All Hail the Popcorn King! (2019)

Zombos Says: Good. A personable documentary that will appeal to writers, horror fans, and anyone who enjoys learning about fascinating people.

Take a big fat oak barrel, pack in Ray Bradbury and Charles Bukowski, slice and dice a few big young scorpions with all six juicy segments of their tails, add some boiled spinach and watery buckwheat, pickle all with half Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey and half Southern Comfort, piss, and spit some chawing tobacco into the mix, then seal it up good. Let the barrel sit for a few years, forgotten, in a beat up Pontiac pickup truck parked in the last row of the last aisle in the last drive-in down a long dusty road. When you finally open it up you'll find an author like Joe R. Lansdale. Just stand back a bit when you do 'cause he might be cussin' up an awful lot and swinging low. --ZC Book Review for The Best of Joe R. Lansdale.

The best way to present Joe R. Lansdale, in a documentary about him, is to focus on him talking about himself, his influences, his surroundings, his unique situation of liberal-thinking living in a conservative-thinking locale, and Hap and Leonard, of course. Hansi Oppenheimer manages to do just that while bringing in Bruce Campbell, Joe Hill, Mick Garris, Amber Benson, Don Coscarelli, Christopher Golden, Jeani Rector, his family, and many others, to talk about Lansdale and his influences. From his love for reading that started with comic books to his love for history, you need not ask for a more complete portrait of the writer.

The visual style of the documentary is homey retro, which fits right in with Lansdale's style of talking and writing. Snippets of popping corn, a reel to reel projector (I still have my 8mm one), and images of drive-ins, along with Kasey Lansdale's music scoring, all work to provide a cozy, nostalgic feeling.

His breadth of knowledge, relaxed Nacogdoches living, and the front porch informality of the man comes through without a hitch. He provides an extensive background on Hap and Leonard. He also gives a demonstration of his unique martial art style and makes the rounds of East Texas as he relates local history, viewpoints, and experiences. 

A stop at a Gladewater theater brought memories of grabbing a hamburger at the Ritz Drugstore nearby, then stocking up on a nickel popcorn bag and Coca-cola to catch the kiddie matinee and serials. This one reminiscence will bring back memories for many of those of a ripe old age who remember hours similarly spent. His discovery of the alternate stairway for black patrons was a moment that stuck with him and added to his realization of that other reality growing up along with him.

There is so much packed into this documentary that I am sure you will watch it and come away with a lot of I-didn't-know-thats about Joe R. Lansdale. You can't do better than that.

Undergods (2020) Gothic Sci Fi Horror for the Arthouse Crowd

Zombos Says: Good for film students, arthouse audiences, and anyone looking to think about and question an intentionally deep and confusing movie.

IMDb lists Undergods by Chino Moya as a thriller and fantasy. That is misleading. Perhaps a clue to what Moya intended is found in the glimpse of a book by E.T.A Hoffman, being read by one of the characters. The movie's use of colors, pacing, and decay across the stories in this anthology also point to a tone and mood that leans to the gothic and horror. There is also the sci fi element that directs Moya's odd editing and intentional obfuscation as he bounces us back and forth in time between post-apocalypse and pre-apocalypse. This movie is not one you would normally want to watch but it is worth watching.

There is a lot buried in the stories here but this is not a mainstream film. I would expect it to be a cult favorite in due time, good for midnight viewings with more action-packed fare or a go-to film for student studies. Oh, and the thriller part of it is completely wrong: Undergods is neither thrilling or suspenseful; it merely lays out a narrative that could use some time-trimming from its 90 or so minutes run-time. You will probably lose attention at the 68 minute mark or thereabout, but stick with it. The direction and editing keep actions muted but the actors intense. Either Moya knows how to direct actors or knows how to stay out of their way, but the acting takes the foreground in every scene, usually overwhelming the dystopian facades it takes place in.  

 

"Wait a moment," said Zombos. I looked up from my review-writing.

"You are getting a bit long winded here with academic back alleys," he said.

This is why I hate writing movie reviews when he's around. He's a critic of the critic type of person. That can be very annoying.

I stood my ground. "I'm simply outlining my impressions of the movie. I had to sleep on this, you know, to figure out how to approach it when it uses final poster art that's not even about the movie. That girl standing in the decaying ruins of a post-apocalypse while a truck drives toward her is way off the mark. At least I think it is. Now you've got me all mixed up thinking about it. Can you let me get back to my review please?" 

Zombos sipped his Aberlour and squinted his eyes at me. I got the feeling he was mentally holding two fingers up in front of his eyes and squeezing my head between them. I shook that feeling aside and continued my review. Come to think of it, the male characters in Undergods were all being squeezed. I wonder if that was intentional too.

 

The time-shifting begins with two buddies (Johann Myers and Geza Rohrig) driving a grimy truck through an urban wasteland of decaying buildings and rotting bodies. They collect the bodies but why? Who is paying them? They also drink gasoline (unleaded I hope), so their mental acuity is questionable. With a lot of time on their hands, they chat, tell stories, share dreams. Cue the first story and time shift to, I'm guessing here, the recent past, to an apartment complex that's empty except for an older couple in one apartment and one tenant locked out of his apartment. Or so he said. Ned Dennehy (he played Scrooge in Dickensian 2015) is the locked out tenant. They invite him in. I would not invite him in. Dennehy has a look that is not inviting. As it turns out, not a good look for the tenants either. An elevator provides the transition to... 

...the next story, which involves a rich man (Eric Godon) who wants to become richer, a daughter (Tanya Reynolds) he adores, and a creepy genius (Jan Bivjoet) who wants to sell his architectural plans. Strangely, this story is told by a father telling his daughter a bedtime story, which is even more strangely being told by one of the questionable sanitation guys picking up bodies and drinking gasoline.  Again, I'm guessing here, but it would fit the fantasy element as Moya kicks around the point of view for us like an empty can. He definitely wants to play with us here, with timeframes, with the people in those timeframes, and the social malaise those people are swimming in. Is he saying these characters are why the apocalypse happened, in general? A society in decline? Or are we still inside the heads of those two buddies as they shoot the breeze? 

A door forced open later leads to a loopy time wrap from past to present to past, making for a very jarring entrance into those two buddies' world consisting of an endless and mostly dead cityscape of ruins. From there, the final story embraces a more colorful world but one of emotional emptiness for the people living in it. A perplexing return of a formerly "dead" husband (Sam Louwyck) makes it a problem for the current one (Adrian Rawlins). There's well-placed dark humor here, especially with the letters the disconnected and disaffected son puts on his bedroom wall, as if he had to be reminded of what those letters spell out. A karaoke rendition makes for a very uncomfortable scene and is the only heated one allowed in the movie. A deeply disturbing but telling (and darkly funny) visit to a social worker makes this story the most perplexing but inherently understandable one of the bunch.

And so the two buddies continue driving for bodies and fresh meat. I'll leave the fresh meat part of it up to you to discover. We may all fall into that category soon enough, but soylent green it ain't.

 

Zombos took the last sip of his Aberlour, looked down at my review, sighed, and left the room. A reaction, I'm sure, most viewers will have after this movie. But it is one hell of a ride, with emphasis on the hell. Oh, and the techno soundtrack is awesome.