From Zombos' Closet

Graphic Book Review: High Moon Vol. 1

Zombos Says: Very Good

Werewolves and hoodoo in the Old West; two notches on the gunbelts worn by both the bad and the good guys. I found that an intriguing premise for David Gallaher and Steve Ellis's High Moon, a webcomic series appearing on Zuda.com, and now in print by DC Comics. The story moves briskly through the small towns of Blest--which is not--and Ragged Rock--which most certainly is--as former Pinkerton detective Matthew Macgregor is chasing after werewolves and other night-born beasties. Macgregor is a brooding, mysterious figure who wears a tartan scarf in spite of the heat, is short on words and temperament, and carries enough supernatural baggage to fill a railway car all by himself.

Three chapters, beginning with the 100 days drought-plagued town of Blest, keep the Macgregors busy. Yes, there are more than one. I cannot explain too much on this point, but Gallaher and Ellis start with one Macgregor on a mission, or vendetta, or perhaps a soul-ride to salvation, and bring the rest of the clan in as the plot unfolds its deeper pleats. It is not made clear exactly what drives him, but flashbacks give us little clues along the way.

Ellis's gritty art is tightly packed with heavy pencil and ink lines that can become murky at times when saturated with the dry earth and desert sand daylight colors in the first two chapters, and deep blue nighttime snowy landscapes in chapter three. But his style reminds me so much of a sheriff's sooty wanted poster and the animated opening credits to the television show The Wild, Wild West, and even those illustrations in  penny-dreadfuls, or as Deputy Jeb calls them, dime novels, that his gaudy style is in step with the Old West theme.

There is a starting the story in the middle of it approach used by Gallaher. Macgregor enters the small town of Blest looking for an outlaw he has tangled with before. A little girl is missing, and vicious attacks on the townsfolk at night have set everyone on edge. But there is something else driving Macgregor; a bigger mission beyond his hunt for the outlaw. After a preliminary search of the missing girl's room, he knows it was not men or werewolves who took her. More clues found in an abandoned silver mine, and more flashbacks regarding the San Saba Expedition, hint at a great evil unleashed. The inevitable showdown between Macgregor and that evil reveals a darker truth lurking in Blest.

In chapter two, a train robbery, a traveling sideshow with one deadly oddity, and another well-mannered, stove-pipe hatted, steampunk-outfitted Macgregor add more mystery to the saga of Ragged Rock, another town suffering under its burden of nocturnal miscreant monsters.  Macgregor's past comes back to haunt him, and there are tantalizing glimmers of hoodoo in his background. Gallaher and Ellis keep it moving toward the big-nasty showdown, in-between two brothers fighting over the same woman, an eye-plucking revelation of cosmic proportions for one Macgregor, and a gift of immortality that may just be a curse in disguise. Old-time references--like the Harvey Girls (waitresses in the Old West)--and slang--catawampus (things gone awry)--give the characters a tidy period finish. At this point, you either pay close attention to the flashbacks and hints of backstory tossed your way, or you will become lost in the shuffle because Gallaher and Ellis keep piling it on as they move into chapter three and more trouble in Elk Canyon in South Dakota.

Here, in the snow-bound opening scenes of an Indian massacre, pictures convey the action without words. It is a dramatically-charged sequence, but words would have helped clarify the situation. Or maybe Gallaher does not want clarity just yet? As it stands, the marauders, dressed in horns, black clothes, and blood--the leader looks like Conan the Conqueror's Thulsa Doom leading his pillagers--are searching for something. Before you can bat an eye, the story moves on, leaving more mystery to ponder. Young Raven is in search of a champion and seeks Macgregor to combat the cavalry that is killing her people. But there is more behind the cavalry's actions than genocide, and Young Raven is more than she appears to be. An odd symbol, found on the bottom of a bottle, turns up providing another piece to the puzzle of Macgregor's higher mission, and his encounter with a bird-faced, godlike being leaves him questioning his purpose; along with a bit of cosmic enmity that probably will not do him much good in the long run.

I am not sure where Gallaher and Ellis are leading with all this but more developments to the story (you can read them online at zuda.com), which include a meeting with a certain Saucy Jack and Dr. Bell (Sherlock Holmes' fans pay attention), keep invigorating this steampunkish Western or British or Scottish story of bug-eyed beasties and chaps: the ones you wear and the British kind. The artwork melds with the story more than well, and if printed in a larger format, I would even hazard a smashingly to describe the balance between art and word. While you can read the story online, I recommend picking up the book. I was going to--honest--before DC Comics offered me a review copy. The paper choice for the book is that rough, dull-finished paper, which fits the overall tone of High Moon to a tee.

It is heartening to see a storyline about unglamerous werewolves at a time when Goth-beautiful vampires and endless zombies seem to rule the horror genre roost in comics and movies.

Book Stores Need to Go Digital Now

I was in my local Borders this past week to browse the horror book shelves. I like browsing books before I buy them. Magazines, too. I also like the coffee at Borders; I sip it while I browse. I made a bad choice of getting something too creamy this time, though, and paid for it. I hate being lactose-intolerant.

Another thing I hate is seeing the dwindling shelf-space given to horror titles. And those books given space are fairly mainstream, of course, to appeal to as broad a book-buying market as possible. Author names are really important here as they help sell the books, so I see many of the same authors who have earned that broad appeal in Borders and Barnes and Noble. At least Borders still has a horror section. Barnes and Noble, the one I frequent anyway, (I like Starbucks coffee, too), pretends horror does not exist. They sprinkle horror titles into other categories. I'm always embarrassed to ask about specific horror books when I go to Barnes and Noble. If I dare correct the stock-person when they tell me a book I am looking for is not horror he or she tends to get snooty and gives me a look Jason and Freddy could learn a lot from. I explain I know a thing or two about horror because I blog about it and, well, that usually ends the conversation faster. So I try not to mention it anymore.

Polka Haunt Us And Maybe You Too

Okay, maybe it is just me, but every time I listen to a Polka Haunt Us song I am reminded of the Song of the New Wine scene in Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man. Anyway, after listening to their pawky tunes (my favorite is Blank Face Goblins), I think you may find a surprise or two here, too. I always thought accordion music was creepy, but now its creepy in a good way.

"Check out the new video for Veronique's song "Vampire Surprise," off her eclectic, unique, laboriously produced Halloween album Polka Haunt Us: A Spook-tacular Compilation. Who says horror has to be so scary? Veronique is working (in her own weird way, of course) to give the Monster Mash a run for its money and bring new life into Halloween music as a genre! And her costume is pretty fabulous too!"

Listen to it at www.PolkaHaunt.us.

See the video for Vampire Surprise here: http://www.youtube.com/veroniquechevalier.

Interview: Kevin James Breaux

Artist and author Kevin James Breaux is about to be snatched up by Dark Quest Books for his Fantasy novel Soul Born, making it his first published novel. Before he becomes famous and it all goes to his head, let's interview him about his horror, his fantasy, and his art. He writes short stories and novels about zombies, vampires, and fairies with equal ease, and his artwork can be seen in Zombie CSU: The Forensic Science of the Living Dead and They Bite!

 

What's a typical writing-day-in-the-life of Kevin James Breaux like?

Basically I like to break my writing into two hour segments. If I have editing to do; that is normally done first and as early in the day as possible. Normally I work at my writing from 10-noon and again noon to 2pm. If I'm lucky and there are not too many distractions I will try and work later in the day as well, but that's normally less structured, kinda like guerrilla warfare style writing; mobile and hit and run.

You tend toward thriller-styled horror and urban fantasy in your writing. Are there differences between the two?

I like to write stories that are character driven. I started off as a fantasy writer, because it was what I knew from growing up playing all the RPG games. Then after being challenged to write outside my normal comfort zone, by Jonathan Maberry after joining his chapter of the HWA, I realized I could do what I wanted in almost any genre. I tend to lean towards things of the fantastic nature. Thriller-Horror and Urban Fantasy are, in my opinion, very closely related. Both deal with subject matter outside our daily reality. I would love to write a comic book story some day, something with super heroes.

Movie Review: Paranormal Activity (2007)

The idea for the film came about when Oren Peli began to experience "weird things" at the home in which he was living and wondered what would happen if he were to set up cameras to capture what happened as he slept at night. The vulnerability of being asleep, he reasoned, tapped into a human being's most primal fear, stating, "If something is lurking in your home there's not much you can do about it." (Wikipedia)

Zombos Says: Excellent

Paranormal Activity surprisingly frightens more with less scares as odd as that may sound. With a razor-thin budget, a cast of only four people, and events taking place entirely in one location--Katie and Micah's home--director Oren Peli's ingenious movie is a distillation of simple spook show tactics escalating in intensity. It is the Blair Witch version of home invasion-styled horror, understated but unrelenting.

Katie (Katie Featherston) has been haunted by paranormal events since she was thirteen. Micah (Micah Sloat), surprised by this revelation, is annoyed she did not tell him this before spooky sounds begin to keep them up at night. Micah sets up his camera in their bedroom, facing the bed, and hooks it up to his laptop so it can record while they sleep. We see everything through Micah's camera: the bedroom they sleep in; the rest of the house as he carries it into the bathroom, or the living room, or the kitchen during the day. We mostly see Katie as Micah holds the camera, which is probably why she grows more annoyed with his insistence on tackling her problem with his typical, and insensitive, guy attitude of technology-can-handle-it. I admit I would have tackled it the same way. While his constant recording and EVPs appear to give him control over the situation, he becomes increasingly frustrated because all he can do is observe events after they have taken place. How many of us, like Micah, feel powerful by all our techno-gadgets, yet, like him, all we do is watch, listen, wait, worry, and yearn for more sleep?

"Once we get a camera, we can figure out what's going on," says Micah; but the figuring out part becomes more difficult than he planned. Over the course of twenty or so nights, Micah's camera records small, creepy instances at first, which happen in the wee hours of the morning, including Katie's sleep-walking; then bigger, more frightening events happen. While much time is spent in silence watching them sleep, and waiting for something to happen, it never becomes repetitive. A timestamp in the lower right corner tells us when events occur during the night; this, combined with our anticipation of what will happen next heightens the tension. I kept looking intently around the bedroom and through the open doorway as time slipped by. A low rumbling signals an important moment while it helps raise the hairs on your neck. All this combines into a brilliantly simple effect Peli uses to build suspense. Featherston and Sloat fortify the realism by acting exactly like two people caught in a weird situation like their's would typically act. Their relationship begins to understandably deteriorate when sleep deprivation and powerlessness set in. Ironically, being able to see what is transpiring while they sleep makes them more fearful and helpless.

Katie asks a psychic (Mark Fredrichs) for help. His interview with Katie gives us interesting background to her supernatural experiences. Fredrichs is easily believable as the ghost-hunting psychic. When he concludes it may be a demon causing the mischief, he quickly explains he cannot help her and recommends a colleague who specializes in demon cases. He fears his presence in the house will only antagonize the entity. Micah does not want Katie to call in the demonologist, insisting he can handle the situation himself; a classic, I-don't-need-to-read-a-map guy-type response. Eventually, when his camera and EVPs do not give him the results he needs, Micah resorts to low-tech by using a Ouija Board to communicate with the entity, over the psychic and Katie's stern warnings that it would make things worse. The camera chillingly captures what happens when he leaves the Ouija Board alone with it. With the camera stoically recording everything, paranormal or not, its unemotional eye lends a level of creepiness that fosters a portentious atmosphere even when nothing bizarre is happening.

What Paranormal Activity achieves with its reality point of view camera setup--minus the shaky-cam--would have made William Castle smile with its unadorned, matter of fact, unblinking eye on the action. The use of an opening thank you statement to the San Diego police department enhances the realism of its found video footage approach, and even fooled the sales person at Best Buy (who found me the last copy of Trick 'r Treat they had in stock). A big horror fan, he saw Paranormal Activity and swore it was based on a true story. I thought he was kidding. He was not. I looked him in the eye and told him it was not based on a true story--demons do not go running around bothering people in reality--and  opening statements like that are used all the time in horror movies.

I was right, wasn't I?

Meet the Horror Bloggers: Literal Remains

Many fans of horror, amateur and professional alike, have devoted themselves to blogging about the thrills, chills, and no-frills side of the genre as seen in cinema and print. In this ongoing series that highlights the writers behind the blogs, we meet the unique personalities and talents that make the online horror scene so engaging. Up close and personal.

In this installment, John Robinson of Literal Remains gives us the literal truth of his horror past and present.

"...let's face it... the Devil is a hell of a lot more interesting!"- The Fisher King

I was five years old when I remember seeing my first horror movie. My brother and two cousins (all older) were watching John Carpenter's The Fog on NBC, if I remember correctly. I was suffocating in a sleeping bag, hiding my face, because it was scaring the tee-total bejesus out of me. My brother and cousins didn't ridicule me, though, they just continued to watch, ignoring my pleas for them to switch the channel. I could have left the room, but I was five and wanted to hang out with the big kids. One other thing they did, for which I'm thankful, is they reinforced the fact that it was only a movie. Reluctantly, I peeked from my cotton fortress and watched what I could of it. I was addicted then- hook, line, and sinker. After nearly an almost twenty-eight year romance, me and Horror are still pretty tight. Almost every day is a honeymoon.

Dragged to Hell With KNB EFX

Written by Scott Essman

When directors hit box-office gold, it is common knowledge that they can make whatever they wish for a followup film. For Sam Raimi, coming off of three Spider-Man films which all rank in the top 50 domestic box office grossers of all time, he could have made virtually any film he could conjure as his next cinematic venture. But, what did the director of such cult classics as Within the Woods (1978), The Evil Dead (1981), Evil Dead II (1987), and Darkman (1990), decide to do after exiting the world of Spider-Man? One only need look at the opening animated Universal logo to determine Raimi’s intentions: the director chose a pre-1997 Universal opening to set the stage of this film: we were going on a journey that would be a throwback to the time when Raimi was a cult director, still largely undiscovered by the Hollywood mainstream.

For horror enthusiasts, when you think of Raimi’s early work, you recall shaky but taut camera moves, a mélange of harsh sound and light, intensified performances, and unsubtle moments of discovery and revelation. You simultaneously remember the outrageous often guttural practical makeup effects in those films: Evil Dead featured buckets of blood while the sequel was somewhat refined if still surreal in its over-the-top portrayal of horror as a genre that was being infused with new post-slasher film blood, built on the heels of the successes of the original Halloween, Dawn of the Dead, Friday the 13^th, and other instrumental films in the genre.

Enter into this world a name that goes hand-in-hand with horror over the past decades that Raimi has been active in reinventing the genre. “If you’ve seen a horror movie in the last 15 years, they did it,” said special ‘horror’ makeup effects legend Tom Savini of the KNB EFX Group, a makeup effects and creature shop lead by Greg Nicotero and Howard Berger, and co-founded by ex-member Robert Kurtzman in 1988.

With his career coming full circle, Greg Nicotero and his company were the special makeup effects, corpse and special props designers on Sam Raimi’s new retro-horror film on Universal Studios Home Entertainment DVD and Blu-ray Hi Def, Drag Me to Hell. Of course, this is because Nicotero started with Raimi 22 years ago with Evil Dead 2 in which they created numerous makeup effects and creatures. In this exclusive look into his studio, we see how the different makeups, fake bodies and props from the film were designed and realized.

Nicotero, a Pittsburgh resident, has now been working in motion pictures for 25 years, starting as a makeup assistant on George A. Romero’s 1985 Pittsburgh-based film, Day of the Dead with Tom Savini. “I knew Greg Nicotero since he was 15,” said Savini. “He used to hang out on Creepshow. I used him on Day of the Dead and [Romero’s] Monkey Shines. He asked me to go to LA and form a company before KNB. He then introduced me to Howard Berger on Day of the Dead. I’m a Pittsburgh guy, so I’m not out there knowing who the up-and-comers are.”

With certainty, the mentorship that Savini provided to Nicotero and later Berger in the 1980s paid dividends for the duo, then in their 20s, as they learned both the creative and business aspects of running a makeup effects company. “Greg was a sketch artist and would handle my paperwork and my business stuff which is what he went to school for,” Savini added. “He dropped out of medical school to work for me. He had his hands in sculpting, but he wasn’t into doing the makeup back then. He learned by experience and now he’s a major player in the makeup world. He’s my best friend.”

Since they formed the studio in 1988, moving locations but remaining in the San Fernando Valley, KNB EFX Group has gotten many choice assignments, having been responsible for dozens of movie projects, including all of the films of Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, Wes Craven, and John Carpenter to name but a few. KNB has also joined the ranks of the A-list doing prestigious projects for the likes of Steven Spielberg, Martin Scorsese, and winning an Oscar for their work on the first Narnia film.

Thus, it was not surprising that after 22 years, Raimi, 50 this month, contacted KNB to handle the numerous gruesome effects that Drag Me to Hell required, harkening back to the director’s pre-Spider-Man days with the Evil Dead trilogy. Naturally, Nicotero speaks fondly of KNB’s working relationship with Sam Raimi for the past 20 years. “It has been pretty amazing,” said the effects master, 46. “We started with Sam and [producer] Rob Tapert on Evil Dead 2 and once KNB was formed in 1988, we handled most of the makeup and suit effects for their films for well over the next decade with everything from Army of Darkness to [TV’s] Hercules and Xena, A Simple Plan and so on. We didn't get the chance to work on the first two Spider-Man films, but Sam personally pulled us in on part 3, and I was delighted.”

Initially, Nicotero was concerned that KNB would not be involved in the designs for makeups, gags, props, and other work as it might have likely been handled by another conceptual artist, a common practice in contemporary filmmaking. “Sam is very accustomed to working with outside designs,” Nicotero explained, “so I, during my first meeting, showed him samples of the design work we did in-house and he really responded to what I had shown him. In this day and age, with so many conceptual artists that have background in creature effects, productions very often bring in the effects houses late in the game as opposed to having the supervisors having a hand in the conceptualizing and design.”

Raimi, however, is no stranger to working with effects teams and knew of KNB’s vast experience and hands-on approach, so getting KNB involved from the beginning was, according to Nicotero, “what the director wanted on this film; and he very much wanted input on what fans and audiences would respond to. Certainly our history made him very comfortable. I presented designs to him that were fleshed out here [at KNB], and we went from there. Shannon Shea was my right hand man on the show, and between John Wheaton, Garrett Immel, and Norman Cabrera, we brought some really fun ideas to the table.”

In Drag Me to Hell’s story, Alison Lohman plays the young Christine Brown, an ambitious bank clerk who is encouraged to be more aggressive by her competitive boss, played by David Paymer. Wanting a promotion, she denies a house loan extension to a mysterious Gypsy customer, Mrs. Ganush, perfectly played by Lorna Raver. For the character, KNB had to devise a shockingly grotesque haggard makeup for Raver, and they proceeded to create several versions of Raver’s character through the film. “We had worked out several stages via tests and Photoshop,” Nicotero said, “and of course her dentures played a significant part. Mainly, she goes from sympathetic old woman to ‘heinous horror hag’ in the car sequence, to back-from-the-dead possessed Ganush, as well as her demonic form. All [stages] had a variety of 3D transfers, prosthetics, contacts – Professional Vision Care always handles our work and has done so for years, supervised by Christina Ceret – and dentures. Garrett Immel, Camille Calvet Della-Santina and Mary Kay Witt applied her make-up. We also handled a stunt likeness makeup that Garrett sculpted that was fantastic, complete with lace wig and lenses.”

After denying and “shaming” Mrs. Ganush in the bank, Christine must thwart a physical attack in her car, after which Mrs. Ganush places a horrible curse on Christine. Subsequently, when evil forces pursue Christine, she tries to make amends with Mrs. Ganush by visiting her. Alas, it is too late, as Mrs. Ganush has died, which Christine discovers in a wake scene. For this appearance of the character, KNB had to create a realistic corpse in the likeness of Lorna Raver. “For the wake sequence, we created a dummy that had a jointed armature and a silicone skin, pretty straightforward,” said Nicotero. “All of the likeness were cast off of Lorna Raver, who couldn't have been a better sport. So often, people don't realize that our characters are brought to life by great performances, and she was terrific. When I saw her on set the first time, I believed she was this sad, tormented old woman having her house taken away. Then, Sam would yell cut!”

Another great moment in the wake scene is when Mrs. Ganush’s dead body falls onto Christine, leading to a nauseating effect where bodily fluid comes out of the corpse's mouth onto Alison Lohman. Undoubtedly, one of the convincing aspects of Mrs. Ganush’s character in these scenes is her false teeth. “The script was very specific in terms of the action of all the dentures,” Nicotero said. “She pulls them out, leaves them on the table [in the bank], has them smashed during the car fight sequence, and then has to put the broken teeth back in, all of which required specialized teeth that fit her and then fit over ‘gum dentures’ that we made. Grady Holder has handled our denture work for the last 10 years and is fantastic at creating all of our eyes and dental work.”

When it has become clear that Christine is truly doomed, she falls apart in a later scene in the bank when she bleeds profusely from her nose, squirting blood all over her desk and onto Paymer. “That was one of the first gags we worked out,” Nicotero stated. “It was realized with a pretty straightforward pressure pump rig with tubing that was attached to a prosthetic that glued inside the nose. The plan always was to digitally erase the tube and let the blood spray be done practically, and that was what ended up in the movie.”

In keeping with that fusion of practical techniques, such as the ones in which KNB specializes, and digital effects, Nicotero notes that Raimi entrusted much of the on-set work to KNB due to his love of the craft, even though there was some degree of collaboration involved with the computer-generated imagery team. “Sam has become quite proficient with digital effects,” Nicotero said, “and [visual effects supervisor] Bruce Jones had a lot to handle in terms of the shadow gags, visual effects of hell opening up and so forth, so there were very few instances when he augmented effects we had done practically. Truthfully, that was what was so much fun: as savvy as Sam is with effects, he still loves puppet heads and traditional prosthetic and makeup effects. During the development of the dream sequence, where rotted Ganush vomits worms on Christine, he actually laughed out loud when we showed him the first test, and told me I should be arrested.”

Other KNB work in Drag Me to Hell includes a demonic makeup designed and created for Adriana Barraza in a séance scene where her character Shaun San Dena tries to expunge the demon who has been haunting Christine. This makeup included prosthetics and haunting contact lenses by Professional Vision Care. One of the final great KNB moments returns when Christine digs up Mrs. Ganush’s corpse in the midst of a downpour in an attempt to reverse the curse, which involves a reappearance of the dead Ganush body, which was created to withstand drenching.

When reflecting on the special makeup effects in Drag Me to Hell and his work with Raimi, who co-wrote the script with brother Ivan Raimi, Nicotero exudes earned pride, now over two decades into the artist-director relationship. “I am tremendously proud of what KNB contributed,” he said. “An amazing team of artists, mechanics, puppeteers and makeup artists really helped Sam bring into the movie the fun that he has making these films. During script read-throughs, he would be reading something and then start chuckling to himself because some of the elements are so outrageous. The movie is pure fun, and Sam's enthusiasm is there in every frame.

Movie Review: Zombieland (2009)

Zombos Says: Excellent

Chef Machiavelli tossed the 4-iron to me. I restrained from yelling "four!" as I whacked the nasty, multi-legged, brown fur-ball scuttling toward me up and over the pool table. Times like this made me wish I had kept up my golf lessons. Not too shabby, though: I hooked the little bugger to the right. It hit the Yule marble fireplace mantel with a splat, leaving a gooey green stain. Glenor will certainly not like that. I turned my attention to the dozen or so other nasties climbing up Chef Machiavelli's legs, but he signaled he didn’t need my help. What a trooper.

Lawn Gisland, family friend and rodeo star attraction for the Smith and Walloo Brothers Circus, was showing off by improvising a coil of clothes line into a lariat and lassoing the bigger bugs. At least I think they were bugs. What he missed with the lariat he stomped hard with his Nocona boot heels. If he said "little-doggy" one more time as he threw the lasso, or "tarnation" every time he stomped, I was going to whoop him good myself. There are just so many "little-doggies" and "tarnations" a city-slicker like me can take in a day, if you know what I mean.

I took another swing while Chef Machiavelli bowled a 7-10 split on a handful of fur-balls. Surprisingly, they rolled very well. His usually immaculate white chef's uniform was stained green, and bits of fuzzy hair and goo stuck on his shoulders, looking like weird epaulets. That and his crushed-in Chef's hat made him look quite the worse for wear. I turned to Lawn to see if he needed my help. He was swinging a pool cue like a stick-ball bat sending toothy fur-balls flying in all directions. One clamped tight onto the end of it. Always the showman, he did a neat combination kick shot, squishing the bugger and pocketing the nine-ball at the same time, and then returned to batting away the rest of the competition. Within five minutes we had the situation under control and a hell of a mess to clean up. But that could wait.

The three of us collapsed onto the wrap-around leather sofa to catch our breadths.

It started when we began bowling in the mansion's recreation room. Lawn needs a bowling ball that fits his massive left hand—and its missing middle finger—so the ones we normally have on display don’t fit. We did have one custom made for him, but since he so seldom wants to bowl we keep it with the other more customized—hence little used—bowling balls in the second play-accessories storage closet. So we walked into the closet looking for his bowling ball. It wasn’t my fault I dropped it—it’s heavy, really heavy—on his foot. Luckily his boots were hard leather, but he still jumped high, bumping a low shelf. On it were more golf balls than we would ever, ever, need, some very old gut-string tennis rackets we stopped using, fishing tackle we never use, three-hundred and forty-eight bright orange ping pong balls (I know because I counted them later when I picked every single one of them up), and all the Halloween candy Zimba's been snatching and hiding from me and Zombos over the years. She insists on giving out toothbrushes and floss packs instead of sugary-treats for the kids, which always leads to major problems for Zombos and me.

In back of the shelf was a hole the size of Lawn's fist, and behind the hole were these hairy, candy-gorged fiends grown fat on years and years’ worth of Hershey bars, M&M's, maple candy corn (my favorite), Reese's Pieces, Milky Way Bars, and every other deep dark sinfully-rich, cavity-prone delight imaginable worth cramming into a trick or treat bag. The bugs followed the spilled candy onto the floor, then followed us out the door as fast as we could run. In one of those annoying turn of events that happen every now and then, Chef Machiavelli was bent over, serving his sugary sweet maple-toffee, dark apple cider, with melted caramel and toasted almonds, when we crashed into him, spilling it all over us and the floor. That overpowering sweet smell of sugary nirvana sent the buggers into a feeding frenzy.

"Say, hot-doggie!" said Lawn, scooping up a Twinkie from the candy assortment strewn across the floor. Zimba had banned those from the pantry, too. "All this sweetness has me hankerin' for something sweet." He unwrapped it.

"Are you crazy?" I said. Chef Machiavelli said something to the same effect in Italian, I think. The two of us looked at Lawn. "That's probably been in that closet for ages! It's not fresh." Chef Machiavelli nodded in agreement. Lawn ignored us and ate the Twinkie.

"Tarnation, it's a darn-tootin' Twinkie," he said, downing the golden spongy cake in one bite. "Don't get your boots caught in the stirrups, they last forever." He licked his fingers. "Everybody knows that."

He did have a point.

We looked at the mess all around us.

"Well," I summed up, "at least they weren't zombies." Lawn and Chef Machiavelli nodded in agreement.

"I'd miss Twinkies in a zombie apocalypse," added Lawn.

"Me, too," I said. Being eaten alive is bad enough, but no Twinkies? That's really hell on earth for sure.

 

Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) won me over immediately. Traveling a landscape overrun with zombies—that have really let themselves go as he puts it—his main goal, the one that keeps him alive and psyched for survival, is finding the last fresh Twinkie. Hostess Sno Balls just don’t do it for him. He wants the golden, creme-filled, real deal. His quest provides one of the lighter themes in Zombieland, an apocalypse romp that brings together four survivors, each psyched for survival by formulating his and her own rules for success in a really down economy of the undead.

Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) has a laundry list of rules: there’s one designed to keep his stamina up (Rule 1: cardio to outrun zombies); another to be wary of bathrooms (Rule 3: they know you are vulnerable when on the potty); and one to make dead sure the undead are really dead (Rule 2: do a double-tap with bullets to the head every time). His rules have kept him alive after a contaminated burger kicks-off the rise of the undead. He tells us how the girl next door, the one he had a crush on, introduces him to the dire situation. Up until then he was holed-up in his apartment eating pizza, drinking Code Red Mountain Dew, and playing World of Warcraft non-stop. So rules for staying alive come naturally for him: he just needed to switch his mindset from trolls to zombies.

Tallahassee and Columbus are an unlikely pairing. When they meet, Columbus is trying to get back home, and Tallahassee is trying to find Twinkies. They have little in common; Tallahassee is more of a redneck survivalist, cool to the touch and more loose in dealing with the walking dead, while Columbus is more of a rational, follow the rules or be dead kind of person. Tallahassee also really hates zombies. Columbus is non-committal; he just wants to get home to his parents. Driving down the highway, they stop to watch a zombie crack the bones and scoop up the intestines of one unlucky motorist. Tallahassee makes a point of opening his car door as he drives past to knock over the zombie. Columbus would have gone around and avoided it.

The quest for the last Twinkie brings them to a supermarket where they meet Wichita (Emma Stone) and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin), two sisters, the older one looking out for the younger one. They’re heading to Pacific Playland where there are no zombies but lots of fun rides. No one uses their real name. The only important thing is to not get attached, keep on moving, do not make friends. Familiarity and togetherness are for zombies, not survivors. The boys and girls go their separate ways.

They meet again on the highway and this time they stay together.

Stopping at the Kemo Sabe trading post, they first clear the place of zombies and then browse the merchandise. And then trash the place realizing it all doesn’t matter. Back on the road, Tallahassee can’t believe Little Rock doesn’t know who Willie Nelson is, and Columbus and Wichita are beginning to like each other, which goes against their own hard and fast rules.

Using a homes-of-the-movie-stars map they decide to hold up in a Beverly Hills mansion. The one they pick, with its well-known owner still in residence, provides the silliest fun you will ever have in a zombie movie. When Columbus and Wichita get too close for comfort, Wichita takes Little Rock and heads to zombie-free Pacific Playland. Or Zombie free until they turn on the rides and lights and sounds anyway. One of the rides provides momentary safety, but not for long.

Zombieland is a movie filled with clown and Charlie Chaplin zombies and big gun-toting survivors. It takes an NRA, redneck approach to a problem of apocalyptic proportions, and has fun doing it. After watching so many seriously undead in so many serious zombie movies, it’s refreshing to see an old-fashioned shoot ‘em up, where the bullets outnumber the zombies and the survivors are so likable I did not want any one of them to get bitten or eaten because that would spoil the fun. Harrelson is a natural zombie-hunter and very believable when handling high-impact automatic weaponry. I certainly would want him by my side when the zombies come: I’d be desperately searching for Twinkies, too.

A light-hearted gory romp with its brief serious moments makes Zombieland a refreshing bullets and zombies showdown break from the usually more depressing fare. This and Sean of the Dead would make a solid double bill viewing session on Halloween night.

 

LOTT D: Pick a Post Sensation 17 Worst Horror Movies

Beware! The members of the League of Tana Tea Drinkers dig six feet deep to uncover their favorite worst movies. Beware!

 

Final Girl goes all ugly over The Cavern!

...You know, if today's movie, The Cavern (2005), had arrived with its other title, WIthIN, plastered on it, I may have skipped watching it on principle and saved myself some pain.

Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies doesn't find pleasure in Goregasm!

...Think of a GWAR video, only without the showmanship, musical proficiency, and insightful social commentary. Think of a Troma movie without the high production values and delightfully cosmopolitan sense of humor. Think of all those dead baby jokes you and your friends used to tell in junior high, but without the rapier wit. Got it? Formed a picture of that movie in your head?

Evil on Two Legs couldn't run fast enough from End of Days!

...the first thing one notices is that this film is dark. i don’t mean se7en dark, like in terms of “mood.” i’m talking doom3 dark without the flashlight mod kind of dark. this is what happens when you let the director be his own dp… (pun alert) in light of this, i’ve taken the liberty of brightening up the screenshots so you can actually make out what’s going on.

Love Train for the Tenebrous Empire wants its time back after Exterminator City!

...Disclaimer: The opinions reflected in this article are mine and mine alone and don't reflect the opinions of the fine, upstanding, and thoroughly delightful gentle people at "Ultra Violent Magazine." Even though those bastards sent me this movie and expected me to review it for their publication without any appropriate warning.

Graphic Book Review: Trick 'r Treat

Zombos Says: Excellent

"I can't believe you would do such a thing. Are you daft? I ask you to read to our son's fifth-grade class and you pick this?" Zimba held up Wildstorm's Trick 'r Treat graphic novel; actually more like waved it violently, really. She paced back and forth in her frustration.

"None of the students wanted to ride the bus home," added Mrs. Crabtree, Zombos Junior's teacher. "Not after you told them about those unwanted children intentionally sunk into a rock quarry by their bus driver. And after that one about the evil kid-killing school principal--what were you thinking?--they scream every time Mr. Whiffle walks past in the hallway. I don't dare send any of them to his office now." Mrs. Crabtree took a deep breadth. "Thank the lord you didn't read them a story about the cafeteria having monster food or something. They're now so frightened of their own shadows because of that horrid comic book you brought."

"Graphic novel," I corrected her. I always love correcting teachers. I enjoy an occasional I-told-you-so, too.

"And then you had to show them all those unpleasant cartoon pictures of dead kids' heads, and blood, and that horrid little misbehaving beast, Sam, running around causing mayhem." Mrs. Crabtree took another breadth and folded her arms tighter. "I don't know why you couldn't just have read It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown or something enjoyable and not so scary. They love those well-behaved Charlie Brown and Linus, and how Linus sucks his thumb like a baby and waits for the Great Pumpkin to bring treats. You could have brought a blanket like Mrs. Zombos does and mimicked Linus sucking his thumb while waiting for the Great Pumpkin. It always gets a laugh. My students are not laughing now." Mrs. Crabtree took a deeper breadth and, this time, waited for penance, contrition, or somesuch from Zombos.

It did seem like a long wait.

LOTT D: Pick a Post Sensation 16 Favorite Horror Movies

Beware! The members of the League of Tana Tea Drinkers dig six feet deep to uncover their favorite terror movies for your Halloween edification pleasure. Boo!

 

Dinner With Max Jenke says Let's Scare Jessica To Death:

No other horror film has given us a heroine as memorably fragile as the title character of director John Hancock's unusually sensitive shocker Let's Scare Jessica To Death (1971) and sadly, it's unlikely that we'll ever see her kind again.

Final Girl beams over The Shining:

It had been some time since I'd seen The Shining, and while I've always enjoyed it (and gotten some good creepy scares out of it), what struck me most while watching it today was the beauty of the whole thing. Visually, The Shining is one of the most stunning films I've ever seen- finding a horror movie to top it in that regard would be no easy task.

Fascination With Fear bites into JAWS:

It is known as the "father of the summer blockbuster", being the first movie to blow the pants off the box office in such a way that people lined streets in front of theaters just to see it.

Attentiondeficitdisorderly Too Flat conjures up The Blair Witch Project:

Let me say right off the bat that I don't expect to change anyone's mind here. This is a movie for which the phrase "you either love it or hate it" was invented. I remember seeing it on opening night in a theatre: Half the audience booed and yelled at the screen as the closing credits rolled, while the other half looked as though they'd just been eyewitnesses to a plane crash.