Zombos' Closet

Underworld: Awakening (2012) Should Have Slept More

 

ZC Rating 2 of 7: Fair

Too Loud, with murkiness obliterating screen detail, with laughable post-production 3D, with lazy art direction, Underworld: Awakening is a disappointing sequel to Underworld: Evolution.

Kate Beckinsale's Selene is on autopilot as she evades humans and lycans, kills humans and lycans, and evades them some more. In a script rework off of Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Selene is put on ice, experimented on, thawed out, and royally pissed because David (Theo James) is missing in action. Replace clones with one offspring named Eve (India Eisley)--no, really, she's named Eve-- and add nefarious Andigen Corp run by evil, and near comatose, Dr. Jacob Lane (Stephen Rea) hatching a dark plan just as nefarious as Resident Evil's Umbrella Corp, then see Selene run, kick high, land gracefully, and run some more. With her seemingly inexhaustible automatic handguns firing away at everything in motion, I began to wonder just how stupid those lycans were as they jumped, howling in rage, into her hail of bullets again and again.

Lost in this iteration of the Underworld series is just that, the gothically moody underworld. Much of the action takes place above ground at Andigen, or on the dark city streets, where lycans chase Selene, car-hopping their way closer and closer to her van, close enough so she can shoot their brains out. Again.

While she's not pointing those handguns--now they spit out a gazillion bullets per second--she's pouting, waiting for the story to catch up with her. The open montage--two actually--at the beginning, rushes the backstory to bring us up to speed, then rushes us by the pre-story, where Andigen and Dr. Lane purge the world of vampires and lycans. Or are they?

Directors Mans Marlind and Bjorn Stein must have watched too many video games, trying to emulate their exhiliration by steam-rolling the opener and much of the movie with monster-fighting-monster scenes.  Had they actually played those games, then maybe we'd get more drama and suspense in the breathing spaces between all that huffing and puffing. Too many directors and too many writers (more than a handful) add up to a rote actioner that never forgets its CGI. Huge lycan towering over Selene? Its here. Two-fisted gun fire to blow out the bottom of a descending elevator? It's here. Thin Selina piroueting and gliding in tight leather, looking sleak and sexy as she deals death and destruction in rapid motion to screeching music and loud booms? It's here. 

Selene's discovery of a vampire coven provides the only visually interesting moment when a call to action brings the immense, wrought iron, candle-dripped candelabra down from the ceiling to retrieve their weapons cached within. This moment of gothic surprise is brief, and not even the coven lair's dripping stonework sustains enough fashion sense reminiscent of the earlier Underworld movies.

Given the vapid approach taken with Underworld: Awakening, I recommend they slap Twilight and Underworld together with a cat fight between Selene and Bella, otherwise this series is kaput.

A Well Done Stake Fright Night (2011)

ZC Rating 3 of 7: Good

In this remake of 1985’s Fright Night, Jerry (Colin Farrell) is the vampire living next door to Charlie Brewster (Anton Yelchin). Although he’s Twilight sexy (Chris Sarandon in the original was Disco sexy), Jerry’s still got that nasty shark-toothed over-bite, although when his mouth does its CGI stretch it lacks the drool-dripping, visceral punch of the old-style analog mechanical effect . Surprisingly, Jerry also lacks sexual tension. All he really cares about is his next meal. An isolated housing development gone bust, located on the outskirts of Las Vegas, provides all the takeout he can handle until Charlie realizes why an increasing number of kids aren’t showing up for classes.

This go round, times have changed: Charley’s cool by not being a horror movie-loving geek, and his home is surrounded by desolation and “House For Sale” signs; and Roddy McDowall’s tuned-out horror host turned vampire slayer is upstaged by Tennant’s hip-deep-shallow Peter Vincent, a boozy, profane Las Vegas punk-goth-rock stage magician with Peter Frampton locks, Chris Angel darks, and Mick Jagger thins.

What this updated and glossier version offers is a one-two punch delivered by Farrell and Tennant and no ridiculous sequel--yet--to ignore. (Any Fright Night fan who dares think 1988’s Fright Night Part 2 is remotely worthwhile is persona non grata as far as I’m concerned.) I naturally gravitate toward Tennant, being a Dr. Who fan and all, but here he's part Doctor-making-a-house-call, a tad much of a sod, and all together shamelessly sixes and sevens throughout. His manic cursing and alcohol-induced distancing keeps it dicey flippant while Farell plays Jerry entirely darkly black-humored, and egotistically nasty-mean: he's been around for over 400 years, so he's got attitude.

The revelation for Charlie comes after his outcast former friend Ed (Christopher Mintz-Plasse)  disappears, leaving surveillance video behind of Jerry, only you don't see Jerry because vampires--say it with me, faithful ones--don't cast reflections because they have no souls. When Jerry knows that Charlie knows, the cat and mouse fun begins, and Jerry introduces the simple concept of no home? no invitation needed to enter! limiting Charlie's defensive strategy when Jerry blows it up. I can tell you Jerry's a lot more direct in this version. He doesn't have a lacky servant like the green goo-filled handyman Sarandon had in 1985 to do his dirty work.

An exuberant car chase adds a cameo for Sarandon and more CGI opportunities for mayhem as Charlie works the kinks out of his vampire defense. Vincent offers some advice and his collection of vampire-hunting artifacts, but doesn't want to get involved for personal reasons, which are made clear later on. There's a funny--although now standard for hip horror movies--bit involving an eBay-purchased automatic stake-gun, and more humor to be found in the final confrontation beneath Jerry's abode. He's a subterranean vampire, so he likes to dig a lot.

I criticized the shock-drop opening in Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, but I'll go gentler with the one used here as Jerry obliterates an entire family in the blood-spattered opening minutes. It's confusing until the rest of the movie catches up with it and it's still a cheap shot I associate more with straight to DVD amateur endeavors. Do some directors really think horror fans need a quick and loosely attached gore-jolt to settle down for the rest of the movie? 

What this new Fright Night lacks is not the talent or the production quality;  it misses the mark on raising the emotional thermometer, the feeling a movie  can roll you over with, like a steamroller, if its story invests you in it. A handful of horror movies do this and, more and more it seems, many are only concerned with the CGI-involved action quotient instead of the needed quality time between it. Remember the attack on Peter Vincent by Evil Ed in 1985? If you haven't seen it, watch the original Fright Night, then compare that simpler scene to the CGI-effects laden penthouse smackdown in this movie. You tell me which one has more feeling.

Sure, the special effects may be so cool now, Brewster! but back then you had heart. I'd stake my expert opinion on it.

Blood Oath

ZC Rating 4 of 7:
Very Good

Nathaniel Cade is an 1860s vampire hoodwinked by President Andrew Johnson to serve and protect the President of the United States. His new partner, Zach is a modern day career-hungry politico hoodwinked into being Cade's human compatriot after a dalliance with the current president's daughter. Konrad is an evil Dr. Frankenstein type formerly of the Nazi SS who tries to hoodwink them both in Blood Oath, a race against time  supernatural spy novel assembling terrorist plots with nearly unstoppable zombie-steins to keep your blood running.

Cade's blood oath to protect the oval office, bound by Marie Laveau's Voudou in the 1800s--explained in a flashback to the events that prompted President Johnson to enlist Cade's services--keeps him from harming anyone except those who threaten the United States. He is incredibly strong, nearly indestructible, very self-assured, a natty dresser, and difficult to work with. 

In the opening salvo, a Special Ops mission in Kosovo pits him against a Serbian werewolf to retrieve a mysterious box. His constant battle with the Other Side's horrific threats is hinted at here, but as soon as the box is safely returned to the Smithsonian, where Cade has his digs, another terrorist plot begins.

Christopher Farnsworth keeps the story concise and the reading tuned to non-stop pitch as Cade and Zach get to know each other's foibles, strengths, and annoying habits in their search to find the truth behind a container shipment of badly decomposing body parts. Cade suspects his nemesis, Dr. Konrad Dippel, an alchemist who discovered the Elixir of Life and thus has lived for over 300 years, is behind the mystery. Konrad's penchant for assembling body parts into dead-men-walking automatons of destruction doesn't hurt, either, to implicate him. But another covert operation and shadow organization interferes with the investigation, providing more obstacles for Cade and Zach to overcome. These obstacles push each to their limits, revealing both men's vulnerabilities and their importance to each other.

The strength of bond that slowly grows between them, the stoic vampire who refuses to drink human blood and attends AA meetings (though he doesn't know why), and the flippantly selfish younger man, lends the story a deeper and continuing interest that will garner a following of loyal readers. Through little touches of their actions, dialog, and silences, Farnsworth softens Cade's and Zach's innate inhumanness into revelations for both of them; ones they didn't know they had buried away inside.  

Priest (2011)

ZC Rating 3 of 7:  Good

I saw Priest and Thor on the same day, but in different theaters. Both used a prologue (backstory preamble) to prep the audience for their stories. My favorite prologue, by the way, is the Sauron battle in Lord of the Rings.

Priest uses an animated one, which, like the one in Jonah Hex , is unnecessary and ill-fitting: the cartoon story transitions poorly to the live action one. I would have preferred being dropped knee-deep in Priest's Blade Runner cities, Mad Max wastelands, and Old West outposts without a cartoon explanation. It's about vampires running rampant. I get that. It's about the church using the vampire threat to create a controlled and repressed society dominated by Christian faith. I got that, too.

The CGI vampires in Priest are blind, monstrous, and live in hives held together by their slimy body fluids. They look and move like typical video game monsters and have protruding upper and lower fangs much too long. There’s a queen mother for the hive, like Alien, and human familiars—Renfield-like servants to the vampires—who look moribund themselves. People live in large walled cities or Wild West looking  settlements. The cities are all slimy, techno-grunge decay with video-confession kiosks arranged like Porta-Johns on the streets, and the settlements are located in the wastelands outside the cities, a post-apocalyptic landscape with high radioactivity and voracious vampires looking to make a comeback, led by a hybrid super vampire with dreams of gory.

It works in spite of its derivative dialog and posturing because the plot is uncomplicated--a renegade priest risks excommunication by declaring the vampires are back--and the action is straightforward--the priests (and priestesses) trained to be vampire-killers are kick ass at what they do.  What doesn't work is the 3D because it's ignored: in daylight the wastelands are bleached white, leaving no contrast for depth, and at night it's too dark for highlights, which again are needed for depth. Worse, the movie was 2D changed to 3D.

When a homestead is attacked and a girl (Lily Collins) taken by the vampires, Priest (Paul Bettany) defies Monsignor Orelas (Christopher Plummer) and heads to the wasteland, on a rad motorcycle, to kick up some dust. He teams with Sherif Hicks (Cam Gigandet) to find the girl. The monsignor sends priests and a priestess (Maggie Q) after Priest. They ride rad motorcycles, too.

At Mira Sola, a vampire hive Priest still has nightmares over, a tangle with a large hive guardian and a discovery of what the vampires are up to leads to a showdown aboard a fast moving train heading to Cathedral City, where the sun never shines. Motorcycles replace horses, and Black Hat (Karl Urban) fills the role of villain. 

Let Me In (2010) The Vampire as Cursed

ZC Rating 5 of 7: Excellent

Abby: "You have to hit back."
Owen: "I can't. There's 3 of them."
Abby: "Then you hit back even harder."

Between the idealized romance-fantasy of Twilight and the fetishistic terror romp of 30 Days of Night lies Let Me In, Hammer Studios' English-language remake of Let the Right One In (Låt den rätte komma in), a movie that returns the vampire to its cursed existence.

Abby (Chloe Moretz) is a peculiar 12-year old girl who says she's not a girl. During the night she quietly moves into the apartment complex where Owen lives, accompanied by her sullen father. Owen (Kodi Smit-McPhee) is a peculiar, lonely boy, bullied at school, and wedged in the middle of his parent's divorce. He lives with his mother, who is very religious and hangs a crucifix on the wall. He also eats Farley's and Sathers Now and Later candy, in what possibly may be the most seemless product placement done for a film. It's Owen's only constant and cheerful companion. He sings the jingle in-between chews, "Eat Some Now. Save Some for Later." Abby can't share in Owen's enjoyment eating Now and Later because human blood is the only thing she can stomach; but both share an isolation, a need for companionship and acceptance, and both are caught between uneasy nows and always certain laters.

Abby is a vampire that doesn't kill for herself, although when aroused she attacks viciously, tearing throats apart and ripping off heads. Her father (Richard Jenkins) collects blood for her by waiting behind car seats and surprising his victims. He drains their blood into a plastic jug.  His joyless laters are filled with killing for Abby and he's been doing it for a long time. He hates it, but why doesn't he stop? When the butchered bodies turn up, a detective (Elias Kotias) investigates, believing a Satanic Cult may be involved.

Both Abby and Owen are lifeless: she's dead and he lacks vitality. When they first meet, she's shoeless in the snow because she doesn't feel the cold. He has no friends at school and the apartment complex is filled with adults, so he spends his time alone in the courtyard chewing Now and Laters and avoiding the bullies at school. Owen can't emotionally grow up and Abby physically can't; she doesn't even remember how old she is. He probably wants to forget how old he is. He's so unhappy he puts a mask on and coldly pretends to stab imaginary bullies with his newly bought pocket-knife. Both Abby and Owen share a dark side, too.

Matt Reeves keeps us close to everyone, only briefly opening our view to see the turmoil Abby's curse brings, or to watch her from a distance as she easily scales a hospital's facade. She is a traditional vampire: her bite spreads the curse, sunlight is her enemy, and she must be invited into a room. When Owen asks her why she must be invited in she cant' explain why, but shows him what happens if she's not. The tone of the movie is dark and subdued by its close framing, which helps highlight the sudden moments of terror when they come: Abby's victim in the hospital awakes to sunlight as a nurse opens the curtains; Owen is held under water in the school's swimming pool at night; Abby transforms and attacks when the need for blood overtakes her; a car rolls over and over as seen from inside it.

It's unusual for a remake to be this good, this measured. Let Me In is an unusual vampire movie. It captures the sordidness of being cursed as a vampire and leaves no wiggle room for romance, blood substitutes, medical explanations, or sadistic predator delight. Abby travels in a box, sleeps in a bathtub, and smells funny. Unlike Bella Swan, the last thing on Abby's mind is wanting to be a vampire: now or later.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

"Bella, would you please stop trying to take your clothes off?" (Edward Cullen)

ZC Rating 3 of 7: Good (but you better be a romantic at heart)

"Well, if you must you must, but be prepared for the worst," said Zombos, shaking his head in dismay.

"Look, I'm a reviewer, that's what I do. This is just another movie to critique." I folded my arms with certainty. But I didn't feel certain.

"Another movie? Really? Die hard horror fans will have your hide piecemeal. Perhaps it would be better if you mentioned Zimba forced you to see it. Even better, put her name to this so-called review to play safe." Zombos reached for his cordial and smugly sipped it.

"Zimba didn't force me to see it, nor am I a mouse. Would Roger Ebert wince at reviewing this movie? Well, maybe while watching it, but I know he'd never falter at reviewing it. He isn't a mouse either." I reached for my cordial, forgetting I didn't have one. I shook off the faux pas and regained my composure. But I wished I had had a cordial to smugly sip from.

Dash it all, I wish I were as certain about writing this review as Bella (Kristen Stewart) is in her love for Edward (Robert Pattinson). Wait a minute, she isn't all that certain, now that I think of it. She's gone and fallen in love with Jacob (Taylor Lautner), too. Oh bother, why can't she make up her mind? She says she's more in love with Edward. He's certainly in love with her. Much of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is devoted to Edward and Bella's concern over their upcoming nuptials and her turning into a vampire. With Jacob it would be simpler; no bloodletting necessary, just an occasional rinse and shampoo and combing to get the knots out: werewolf hair can get very knotty, especially when you're as big as Jacob gets when he changes into one. I wish the CGI were better, though, to highlight his wonderful coat of bristling hair. They could certainly spend the money they save on his wardrobe--he rarely wears a shirt in this movie--and the special effects are light on gore and blood--blood for God's sakes--in a vampire movie you'd expect more of that.

"You're meandering," said Zombos, reading over my shoulder. I really hate when he does that. I refocused.

Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard this time around), still carrying a grudge, begins raising an army of newborns--stronger and feistier fresh vampires--with the help of Riley (Xavier Samuel) to kill Bella. Now into three movies and it's still all about Bella; her needs, her desires--

Zombos cleared his throat. I refocused. Again.

The Cullens (vampires) and the Quileute clan (werewolves) form a shaky alliance to battle the newborns and thwart Victoria's plans. Members of the Volturi, led by Jane (Dakota Fanning), watch and wait, apparently up to something but I'm not sure what that might be. Jane can throttle you with her mind so she's a formidable annoyance to avoid offending. Now, getting back to "feistier," Bella wants to do more than just kiss Edward, but he's all for abstinence before marriage. Sexuality, a recurring theme in all vampire movies and novels is nonrecurring here. There is passion, but it's tepid in comparison to the boiling friskiness shown by Bela Lugosi's or Christopher Lee's or Frank Langella's Dracula. I'm not sure about Jack Palance's Dracula, but I'll mention him also just in case.

Preparation for the impending battle with the newborns is guided by Jasper (Jackson Rathbone), who has faced a similar situation before. He knows how terribly destructive they can be. He tells Bella all about his past sins, and in doing so, Rathbone becomes one of the more interesting characters in this romance-heavy, horror-lite movie. The resulting battle between newborns, seasoned vampires, and werewolves is also bloodless, with vampires being broken apart, like statuary, onscreen, or mauled out of sight.

Most horror fans will balk (quite vociferously, too) at the bloodless and sun-walking vampires, and the large, but comely, werewolves in The Twilight Saga, but let's face it, horror is not at the heart of this series: it's the love triangle between Bella, Edward, and Jacob. Where many horror movies devote a multitude of endlessly spraying, bloodletting moments to butchering far friskier (and dumber) teenagers, The Twilight Saga devotes its time to Bella, mostly, and what she's going to do about Edward and Jacob. More time is spent with Edward and Jacob discussing what they think Bella should be doing with them. And the remaining time is spent with somebody, somewhere, trying to kill her, which gets everybody involved in keeping her safe. Which is lucky for us; if no one wanted to kill her, this would be a very boring series indeed.

It's a wonder they haven't just turned her into a vampire already so she could protect herself for a change. Maybe we'll see that in the next movie. It would be cool if she'd become a vamp-wolf or something like that, but that would sideline the romance a bit much. But it would be cool to see.

IDW's Bram Stoker's Death Ship 1: The Last Voyage of the Demeter

24 July.--There seems some doom over this ship. Already a hand short, and entering the Bay of Biscay with wild weather ahead, and yet last night another man lost, disappeared. Like the first, he came off his watch and was not seen again. Men all in a panic of fear, sent a round robin, asking to have double watch, as they fear to be alone. Mate angry. Fear there will be some trouble, as either he or the men will do some violence. (from the Captain's log, Dracula by Bram Stoker)

ZC Rating 4 of 7: Very Good

The doomed voyage of the Russian schooner Demeter, in Bram Stoker's Dracula, is one of the more horrific passages in the novel. Imagine being trapped aboard a ship with the blood-thirsty devil: there's nowhere to hide that's safe; no one strong enough to save you; no one living to hear you scream. Budgetary necessity forced the removal of this terror by night from Bela Lugosi's Dracula, and there's been no movie to date--although The Last Voyage of the Demeter has been in production limbo for years--that has chronicled the ship's encounter with the undead nobleman. Bram Stoker himself only provides a few tantalizing glimpses into the terrible fate of the crew through the Captain's log entries.

Now writer Gary Gerani and artist Stuart Sayger take over the ship's wheel to navigate those days of dread and death. There's a formidable challenge inherent in describing the Demeter's last days: we know how it ends. It's hard to build suspense when you know nobody survives. Or will they here?

Sayger's artwork takes much of it's power from the non-glossy paper, providing a rough, muted canvas for his water-colored hues that bring life to his inked lines. He has a knack for capturing the salt in the sea air, the splinter's in the mast's wood, and the terror stalking the deck. Gerani's characters are hardened men of the sea, a spirited captain, and one very young sailor still enamored by the wonders of the sky and the water when seen from the crow's nest. Then there's Anatole, a savage brute of a seaman who revels in his manliness. How will he handle the intruder onboard, one savage pitted against another?

This first issue's 22-pages bring the crewmen, the mysterious boxes of earth, and Dracula together for the last voyage of the Demeter in a promisingly dramatic way. Even though we know what should happen, Gerani and Sayger give us flesh and blood people to be concerned over--except, maybe, for Anatole--and Sayger's splash illustration for the vampire during one of his attack's, rendered murkily, as if seen through mist, indicates the white gloves are off. If the momentum begun in this issue continues, the power of Dracula over the living and the elements will provide a vivid and suspenseful confrontation; the one Bram Stoker alludes to in his novel.

Lucas Manson A Novel by Thomas A. Hauck

ZC Rating 1 of 7: Poor

Roxy joined the conversation. "We need to work this out," she said firmly. "We've got to find a way to feed ourselves on extended tours without leaving a trail of carcasses behind us. I heard they found the ones in Detroit and Miami. Sooner or later some junior detective is going to stick some pins in a map and make the connection. Dumping these things in a harbor or a vacant lot is not going to work. Even if they happen to find one, we've got to make sure that there is nothing linking the carcasses to us."

Reading Thomas Hauck's novel Lucas Manson is like sitting in one of those taxing corporate meetings that should have died at the sixty-minute mark but still lingers on well past it; and you need to take a bio-break badly; and there's no more coffee; and somebody needs to say something that brings closure and quickly. I'm exaggerating somewhat, but I've read very few novels that force me to skim pages because of their lengthy 'corporate meeting' styled discussions blowing off the action with 'tell me' instead of more preferable 'show me' exposition; leaving me with feeling the payoff--the all important underpinning that justifies a story's events and characters--doesn't add up. There is not enough suspense written in to make it a thriller; not enough horror described to make it frightening; and worse, not much excitement to be garnered from the characters and their actions. Lucas Manson's structure is more draft-stage than print-ready. 

and Falling, fly A Novel By Skyler White

Dominic's voice is meltingly tender. "What if you're right? What if hope is the master of Hell? What if something in your own mind, in your own hopes, or fears, or ideas, is the cause of your suffering? What if you are not damned?"

"If I am not damned, what am I?"

"A woman in pain."

ZC Rating 4 of 7: Very Good

Ambiguity and certainty abound in Skyler White's novel and Falling, fly, along with fallen angels turned vampires, a neuroscientist traumatized by his cycle of reincarnations, and an Irish Goth-punk hotel that is either Hell, Limbo, or a comfortable bed and breakfast for its guests. In words thought and spoken, her characters shift between first and third person narratives to dwell on the certainty of their fate and the ambiguity of their despair: continue living fettered by their assorted curses or dare to surmount them even if it means painful loss. But are they indeed cursed as they believe or are they living a delusion? That's the tantalizing conundrum White presents with her words as they blend mellifluously into scenes ripe with irreconcilable decadence, sex, and mythologically-based--and sanctioned--angst over what may or may not be real.

Twilight Parody: 5 Years Later

More biting news about Twilight from Atom.com...

"I wanted to let you know about Atom.com’s newest web series just in time for Halloween, Relationship With A Vampire. Brought to you by the Atom.com Upload Showdown winners of Twilight, 5 Years later, the web series is a parody of the Twilight saga, True Blood, and the general proliferation of vampire relationship shows and movies out there. Dating a vampire in high school is awesome, but sometimes love shouldn't be eternal."

Sometimes vampires shouldn't be eternal either.

Episodes 2 and 3 will launch 11/9 and 11/16 leading up to the New Moon movie premiere on 11/20.

Twilight - 5 Years Later

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Spoofs | TV & Movie Spoofs

Frostbite (Frostbiten 2006) Swedish Vampire Chills

"The night that all the film crew will remember is when we shot a scene with a vampire who had clambered up a lamppost after devouring a messy meal (another dog). This shot involved a large crane and the actor, who was wearing a thin layer of clothing, was strapped to the lamppost.

"At the time, the temperature was a relatively mild 10-12 degrees below zero, but during the shoot, rain came down from the heavens. I have never witnessed anything like it, and I have no idea how rain can fall when it is way below 12 degrees centigrade. The effect of the rain is that when it lands on anything--particularly metal--it freezes instantly, covering everything with ice. One of the crew very aptly described the rain as napalm, but its effects are the other way round. Within seconds, the camera, crane and crew were covered in ice.

"The poor actor, who was strapped to the lamppost, covered head-to-toe in fake blood, froze in thirty seconds. And that was his first day of shooting and introduction to Frostbite. We actually had to pry off the camera assistant who was stuck to the crane--he was stuck fast to his seat. I think it will be some time before we do another film in the snow" (from the interview with director Anders Banke conducted by Jay Slater, in The Dark Side, Issue 125, 2007).

ZC Rating 4 of 7: Very Good

Once I got past the incongruity of the wise-cracking dogs, I realized Frostbiten, directed by Anders Banke, is meant to be fangs-in-cheek fun, just shown seriously. If you can imagine Fright Night with more blood and bite to it you will know what I mean. This unorthodox blending of opposites makes Frostbiten an off-kilter visual experience: dogs chat it up with Sebastian as he slowly becomes a vampire thirsting for blood; an incredulous police officer is heavily, and comically, outfitted in riot gear before he interrogates Sebastian, now a full-blown vampire; teenagers party it up with helium-inhaled voices one minute, then climb all over the house--really climb--as vampires the next, thanks to Sebastian's stash of stolen red pills. Sebastian (Jonas Karlstrom) is the medical intern who swallows one of the pills when he should have known better than to swallow one of those pills.

23 Hours A Vengeful Vampire In Maximum Security

 

ZC Rating 3 of 7: Good

Knives. Always with the knives. Half-deads loved knives, hatchets, cleavers, anything sharp. This was a hunting knife, six inches long and painted green--so the white-tailed deer wouldn't see it glint when you pulled it out in the woods--and had a nasty serrated edge and a wicked curved point. The half-dead brandished it with obvious pleasure and stepped inside the cell.

 

Laura Caxton, David Wellington's vampire-hunting Special Subjects Unit agent, is neck-deep in it again in 23 Hours: A Vengeful Vampire Tale. Not only is her vengeful nemesis Justinia Malvern, the world's oldest vampire (with decrepitude to match her age), looking to put the bite on her for good, she also has to deal with being locked up in maximum security while dozens of half-deads, those killed by Malvern and revitalized to do her bidding, take over the penitentiary. Complicating things further, Clara Hsu, Caxton's lover, turns up just in time to become a hostage, and persausive bargaining chip, for Malvern. With a jailhouse cliffhanger-styled pace and Caxton backed up against all four walls with only the questionable help from her stimulant-loving celly, Gert, the situation moves from bad to worse and then really bad.

Vampire Con 2009 Vamp It Up

Okay, stop looking at her...teeth...and pay attention to this press release. Vampire Con 2009 is winging its way to you August 14-16 in Hollywood...to get your blood boiling.

Vampire-Con 2009, the world’s first convention devoted to everything vampire, has announced its lineup of panel discussions and guests for Sunday, August 16th. The convention swoops into Hollywood, CA for a weekend-long event beginning Friday, August 14th.

Why We Love Vampires: A Brief History of the Undead is a discussion about our recurring cultural obsession with vampires between moderator Steve Biodrowski, editor of Hollywood Gothique and a panel featuring Leslie S. Klinger, editor of The New Annotated Dracula and David J. Skal, author of V Is For Vampire and Draculas, Vampires, And Other Undead Forms.

Things get steamy with Hot Blooded: Vampires & Sexuality, a titillating panel on the allure and sexuality of vampires, discussed by Pam Keesey (author of Dark Angels: Lesbian Vampire Erotica and Daughters Of Darkness: Lesbian Vampire Tales) and
Brian Nolan, David Moretti, Dylan Vox and Peter Stickles from the cast of The Lair, a hot new horror-drama on Here TV about a private gay club run by vampires.

More details about additional panel discussions and guests will be released as available. “Our selection of panel guests and moderators reflects Vampire-Con’s goal to include everyone who has an interest in vampires,” says co-producer Lotti Pharriss Knowles. “This is a subject that has the attention of everyone from literary scholars to pop-culture junkies, and there is something at Vampire-Con for everyone who falls within this spectrum.”

The panel discussions will be held on Sunday, August 16th at The Music Box Theatre @ Fonda in Hollywood, where guests will find their inner-vampire on two floors of vendors, SFX make-up demonstrations and contests. The evening will transition into Vampirella’s ® Ball, a heart-pounding 21 & over danse macabre.

From Dracula to Twilight, Vampires have provided an ageless mythology that taps into our cultural pulse. As new generations become fans, Vampire-Con celebrates these scary and sexy creatures that capture our collective imagination.

For more information, visit www.vampire-con.com.

Paul Bibeau's Sundays With Vlad

I watched Chef Machiavelli. He watched the big simmering pot on the stove while holding a large soup spoon at the ready. Zombos nervously watched Chef Machiavelli's back while glancing at our Thanksgiving menu card. A tentacle suddenly pushed the pot lid aside and wiggled defiantly in the air. Chef Machiavelli whacked it with the soup spoon, sending it back into the pot. He slid the lid back in place and resumed his stance of readiness.

"Not done yet?" I asked.

"No," said our chef, unperturbed, raising the flame a little more. He kept watching the pot.

"Look here," said Zombos, "this menu simply won't do. Yak-stuffed octopus is fine, but what about the Frunkens? You know how difficult they can be. We need a native dish they'll love."

Oh yes...the Frunkens. Distant relatives on Zombos' side, originally hailing from Transylvania, recently moved to Pennsylvania under mysterious political circumstances, and soon to grace our annual family get-together with their vexing personalities. I was worried, too. Anything could set them off down the road to our damnation, ruining the festive Thanksgiving we planned for weeks. As for me, simple turkey and cranberry sauce is all I need for a festive dinner. Toss in a few bread rolls, mashed potatoes and gravy, and corn, and, as Emeril would say, "Bam!"

Wait a minute. Transylvania? Transylvania? I started to remember something--oh, bugger, I had almost forgotten! Paul Bibeau's Sundays with Vlad and his journey to find the true Dracula of Bram Stoker's novel, and in our psyche; I'm late in writing up the interview I recently had with him.

"I've got to ask him about that paprika hendl dish he talks about," I said out loud, making a mental note I needed to follow up on.

"Perfetta!" cried Chef Machiavelli, wrestling the soup spoon free from a tenacious tentacle entwined tightly around it. He turned to Zombos. "Paprika hendl," he said, while banging the tentacle back into the pot with his soup spoon. He resumed his stance of readiness.

Zombos clapped his hands together. "Superb! Paprika hendl it is. Capital idea, Zoc."

Finally. Now to more important matters: the interview with Paul Bibeau!

The Return of the Vampire (1944)

ZC Rating 3 of 7: Good

Bela Lugosi's career didn't fare well after his initial fame with Dracula. Having apparently failed the makeup screen test for Frankenstein--though he wasn't overly found of playing the monster anyway--his reserved and aloof demeanor kept him from ingratiating himself with the Hollywood in-crowd. That, and the rapidly rising stardom of Boris Karloff after his noted portrayal of the Frankenstein Monster, put Lugosi in a deteriorating career position.

Although he created intensely unique and effective characters such as Dracula, Murder Legendre in White Zombie, and Ygor in Son of Frankenstein, he spent much of his time acting in lesser roles. After Dracula, he portrayed a "real" vampire onscreen only two more times; as Armand Tesla in The Return of the Vampire, and as the more comedic count in Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein.

Lew Landers' The Return of the Vampire plays like a Brothers Grimm fairytale. You have your evil villain, the occultist turned vampire, Armand Tesla (Bela Lugosi), his reluctant servant, tragically caught between good and evil and lycanthropy, a wartime beleaguered, ruined London as backdrop, and seething revenge creeping along in the foggy night.